Saturday, October 1, 2016

The ONE key to victory



We don't have to dominate the line of scrimmage, we just have to own it at 51%. Make our hay in the fourth quarter when it really counts.

We just can't come out and wait for the game to come to us.

Seize it! Own it!

Attack the day!

Go Dawgs!

Friday, September 30, 2016

Friday Misery - Lulu and Junior and Catherine the Average

Had this Misery circled on the calendar ever since October 10th, 2015 at about 3:34pm. I've waited that long to see someone exact some measure of revenge. Someone who is about the humblest, most talented running back my kids have ever seen. Someone who worked his ass off to get back..not for this game tomorrow, but for the earliest game he could (in)humanly possibly play in.

I desperately want to see Nick Chubb run over tackle footballers in orange tomorrow. I desperately want to see 27 put his team on his shoulders and cure cancer on the way to the endzone for the game winning touchdown as the sun sets and the Middle East finds peace.

My heart wants that. My heart needs that.

But we don't win this thing tomorrow with what my heart wants. We don't become a better blocking and tackling football team with what my heart needs. We don't beat the Volunteers based on romanticized ideals.

We beat them only by earning it. Now buckle your damn chin strap son. Ole Miss was five days, 14 hours, and one minute ago. You gonna let them beat you twice?

Bitch please.

Lulu the Great
The easiest way to understand the abject simplicity with which the UTKnoxville HillBillys live is to really listen closely to the “lyrics” of their “fight” song.

A couple years ago I gave you a picture of what Honest Abe and his dear wife Mary saw as he toured the post-Civil War South and traveled through the Tennessee hills. Today I think we need to go back even further to the very beginning.

Yes, back to the Adam and Eve of HillBillys - Junior and Lulu.

I'm pretty sure Lulu is the one on the left.
“Down” in the Tennessee hills, Junior once had a girl on Rocky Top. According to local legend, she was half bear and the other half was a cat. (Yes, you read that right.) And together they commenced to a level of advanced husbandry no one has, or ever will (hopefully) match.

Catherine the Great, according to rumors, died trying under the weight of a horse.

Catherine the Great evidently was neither half bear nor half cat. (may she rest in peace)

The Butch and Dobbs' lovechild.
Most civilizations entrenched in the practice of incest and animal seduction die out as a victim of their their unGodly nature. Somehow “corn from a jar” has sustained these hillbilly deviants to the point where their tree of life ain’t seen a branch since the day Lulu dropped that spork into an empty can of beans, farted and then Junior felt his Wranglers rise to attention.


Hey hoss, you can’t crush faces with a box of kleenex
Can you imagine…”We just threw a box of tissue and got snot on their nose...we just snotted their face!!”

Ugh. We’re all like:

“Chubb may not play.”
“We can’t put no pressure on anybody.”
“We couldn’t block a no parking zone with a semi truck and a herd of buffaloes.”
“I have a real, real sad and college football won’t make me happy no more.”
“I burnt my tater tots yesterday and momma won't go back to the store!”
The thing about humiliating losses like last Saturday is that they tend to beat the fanbase more than once. Hell, some of y’all done gave up on the entire season! And some more have already started the next coaching search!

Lord A’mighty! What in the name of all things Holy! Look, it’s one thing to get caught with your drawers down. You’re embarrassed and ashamed and oh no Chad Kelly just threw another touchdown pass 187 yards downfield while side-stepping a dozen rabid black bears! But it’s another thing altogether to get caught with your pants down with one arm around ol’ man Cooter’s goat and the other cradling a box of Franzia.

Get hungry BIG DAWG!
We’re GEORGIA goddammit! WAKE the F up! You don’t shit the bed and spend the rest of the season wallowing in it. You stand up and clean yourself off. You grab a mop and get back down to basics. You GET YOUR ASS DOWN IN A THREE POINT STANCE BY THE MAILBOX AND WAIT FOR THAT BASTARD MAILMAN TO COME AROUND JUST TO GET ONE MORE REP IN!

We’re 3-1! THREE and one! Did you wait around all offseason to get shit-faced wasted on your own self-pity? Was it over when Casey Clausen hit Travis Stephens on the screen? No!


So put down your sloppy box of tissues and strap on them boots. The first act is over, so tomorrow begins the second stanza and I’m damn sure not tuning up for some gotdamn song about non-existent animals and strangers that disappear into smoggy smoke.

I told y’all at the beginning of the week this one was different. I NEED to know y’all care. I HAVE to know you have the INTESTINAL FORTITUDE of Damien Gary and Verron Haynes combined. I’ve GOT to know you want this one more than your next breath, because just as Butchie and his boys aren’t coming to town in a Prius with a BB gun in the floorboard, we ain’t planning on sniffling like a bunch fancy pants’d sissies before the coin toss.

Brick by brick...F that. Attack the GOTdamn day and let's beat these tourdefranzia assholes!

Now, please bow your heads...dear Lord, please let their band get a flat tire and also help us make Josh Dobbs over work his deoderant. Blessed! Jazz Hands! Go Dawgs!

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Tennessee - early thoughts

I'm not too concerned about Chubb, for two reasons. One, I think he'll be fine to play by Saturday. And two, truly running back depth is the least of our concerns. Sony, Holyfield, and Herrien all looked good against Ole Miss. I think Chaney will spread the carries between those three while limiting Chubb.

I'd also like to see us challenge the edge with toss sweeps and quick screens. Our talented backups at tailback are quick enough to mask some of our blocking woes, More so than Chubb is able to. Throw some screens in there and eventually Eason is going to have a lot of room to work with with his tight ends.

On defense Tucker should sell out to contain their run game. Force DeBord's hand into putting more of the load towards Dobbs' arm. Yesterday sUGArdaddy mentioned that we've most likely faced the best quarterbacks on our schedule. I'd also add that we've most likely faced the biggest, most talented receivers on the schedule as well. Josh Malone is dangerous and will get opportunities to make plays, but our secondary isn't going to be challenged as a whole like we were in Oxford.

Lastly, I hope the crowd really comes in with an understanding of the weight of this game. Sure, Butchie got his big signature win over the gators last week. But the pressure is still on them at this point. The crowd can be a major factor. If the fans can come in with the energy of 2013 LSU, one of the more recent times I've heard Sanford at its loudest, then it could be a really good night in Athens.

Go Dawgs y'all!

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

A HillBilly Haiku

Hooved rocky top Pig
Don’t you wear no Smoky Gray
Replay gon' getcha!

You're welcome.
Go Dawgs!

Affecting the quarterback

I don't know about you, but I read this quote...
“We want to affect the quarterback,” Smart said. “We don’t measure sacks. I know you guys (the media) measure sacks, but we measure affecting the quarterback, and we are not doing a good job of that. We want to disrupt him, get him out of the pocket, hit him [and] affect him on throws.” best I could through the eyes of a defensive coordinator turned head coach. I get what he's saying. And Smart is absolutely right about the fact that we are not doing a good job at that.

But damn I wish he'd've added "and knock Dobbs on his ass a few times" for good measure. 

It's seems that it's been an eternity 7. Hunker it down!

Monday, September 26, 2016

"No, we're actually better than I thought we'd be."

That's what I said to myself last night when I went back and looked at my preseason run through the schedule.
That means we are 2-1 (or maybe even 3-0) and feeling pretty good heading into Oxford. By now we should have a steady hand at quarterback. I’d be surprised if Eason isn’t the clear #1 at this point and the defensive roster should be bolstered somewhat given that the youth up front is a little more seasoned as well as the possible return of a couple athletic linemen in Jonathan Ledbetter and Julian Rochester.
To beat the Rebels (or whatever they are calling themselves this season) on the road after travelling all the way to Missouri for a night game the week before would be a big upset. But right now it looks like a tall task. I’d like to see this as another 11:00am local kick. That helped us in 2011 the last time we played in Oxford. You have to think this is the third best SEC matchup that weekend for television. Florida-Tenn will certainly get the prime spot and LSU-Auburn next. Which probably puts this one as an ESPN2 night game or an SECN 4:00pm kickoff.
We’ll see, but at best I see Georgia 3-1 and likely 2-2 heading into a major showdown against Tennessee at home the next week. This one is going to be a major tilt and is sure to be under the lights after a full tailgate! The Volunteers will be coming off a home game against Florida. At worst they should be 3-1 and if they can manage not to wet the bed again against the Gators they should come into Athens undefeated.
So that sounds about right. And while that may not make us feel better about the underlying issues that have been exposed the last three games, it does at least remind me that I knew we weren't going to be world beaters last month and that the sky isn't falling this morning.

The number one thing the coaches need to ask themselves is why they aren't communicating effectively, which has been apparent since halftime of the Nicholls game.

The number one thing the players need to ask themselves is are they are doing everything they can to get better.

The number one thing the fans need to ask themselves is have they done everything they can to hate Tennessee even more today.

Owning up.

Before my blood starts to boil too heavily. Before Butchie lays one more brick. Before the Dawgvent fires one more coach. I need to let y'all know that I won't be in Sanford for the season's biggest game Saturday. 

And I'm totally fine with it.

Parenthood calls as the oldest has a dress picked out for her first Homecoming dance. Once the game time was announced last week I entertained the idea of trying to be in two places at once, but the wife reminded me that I'm no longer superhuman, and that there's doubts I ever was. And I refuse to go for just a half and leave two empty seats without voices, ones that will no doubt be needed.

Why is this any of your business? Well, I've always went about this blogging thing with the idea that its voice would not come from the outskirts. I want its voice to come from the crowd! After all, just a few days after my first ever post at BerniesDawgBlawgDOTcom we traveled out to Tempe AZ and drank that town dry! Sure, there have been some times when I've missed home games and many times when I've missed away games, yet still wrote about them.'s just different.

Plus, I plan to tear Tenersee a new ass this week. And I want to come clean that I won't be there Saturday to walk the walk (this time), as it were and so to speak. These bastards still haven't stop laughing about Chubb's injury last year. They play cover up the crime more often than they shove funnels of boxed wine up their nether regions.

I hate tennessee. I will be here all week to let you know how much. I will be here everyday to help you intensify your own hillbilly loathing. I will give you your weekly dose of misery on Friday, filled to the brim with angst and anger towards these dumb ass inbreds with a fanciful bricklayer as their coach.

I just can't join you Saturday, because it fills my heart more to see my girl wear a corsage that I picked out for her.

Go Dawgs! And also, Go Dads!

Sunday, September 25, 2016

I dropped the Sunday Thoughts and then kicked them wide right

There's really nothing at all good to say about this game. It was bullshit. It was really, really bad. It was proof that Kirby doesn't have omniscient power to stave off these major duds where we just don't even get off the bus. It was Hugh Freeze lifting up a rock and exposing all of our insecurities. 

All of them.

Goddamn remember when we were so sexy put together elegant last week.

Okay, put everything aside. I know a lot of you jumped off the Kirbs' bandwagon yesterday after dropping a lit Bic on it and chunkin' deuces, but let's just hug some perspective real, real tight.

"It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get up."

A wise well endowed woman once said that after trying to impress YouTube viewers as she rode a grocery cart on it's awkwardly slim handle.

The coaches have to get this team off the mat this week. Because they are down. And I mean DOWN! They're whatever a turtle looks like if it doesn't have its shell. I mean, they have no pants. Hugh Freeze bought all of their pants, lit them on fire, and then prayed for us.

What an asshole.

The only thing that matters now is beating Tennessee. If we know now that we're not a great team, we also know that those hillbillies aren't either. And they're coming to our house.

So let's tidy up the foyer Coach Chaney. Fold your laundry up Coach Rocker. Stop pissing on the tile around the toilet Coach Tucker.

And Hey Kirbs, don't wait until the end of the first quarter to read my blog. Why you like to kick so much bro?

Enough of all that. Look, the message is clear: don't give up on this team and let's all come together to beat these inbred, prius driving, boxed franzia in the anus dumbasses in Athens this next weekend.

Say it with me...HEY YOU, WITH THE PITCHFORK!...put it down and let's say it all together...

Go Dawgs!!

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Three keys to a win in Oxford

Tall order today. Look for the coaches to try and set the tone for the players with aggressive game management and play calling.
via OnlineAthens

  1. Kirby should take some risks on field possession decisions when faced with fourth and manageable yardage around midfield and certainly deeper into their territory. And when in field goal range develop a mentality that three point tries probably aren’t going to help you beat a high scoring offense like the Rebels’. (Until maybe late in the game if it’s close, then Lord have mercy let’s kick that thing through the upright fellas!)
  2. Quick pass options for Eason to try and slow down their pass rush. Another tough day in the trenches this week against this Ole Miss defense. So Chaney has to help his offensive line out with some quick throws and screen plays to slow down their pass rush.
  3. Blitz early and then also often as long as it’s effective. Kelly is probably the most talented quarterback we’ll see, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his faults. The more he has to think and the less comfortable he is the better.

In short, I’m looking for Smart and his staff to show the players that their all in on winning this thing. This is the toughest test of the season thus far. Don’t just wait on the game to settle in. Go out there swinging and let’s give them our best shot.

Go Dawgs!

- --------------

PS - After taking in yesterday's Misery, Nama just texted me this video from the 2011 game. I'll try and embed it later this morning after I've had a Bloody Mary or three. Great times!

Friday, September 23, 2016

the Friday Misery is feeling Grovey

Huge win on the road thanks to a 4th down throw from a freshman quarterback to improve to 3-0 on the season and then the veins start to do whatever the opposite of the word “constrict” is plus you got a good night’s sleep because the pillow was just right and you didn’t wake up in a sweat from a nightmare having something to do with orange checkerboard hillbillied animated overalls chasing you down Sanford Drive in a Prius with a funnel...because that’s next week.

So yeh, feeling pretty okay and more than alright this week.

Which is why I’m not going to try and get you mad and fired up and upset and ready to punch that poor bastard in the cubicle next to you. Just pull this Misery up on your cellular phone (except you there with the flip phone, yeh, you’re going to need to renew your AOL account, dial up that modem and squint at your monochrome IBM CRT green screen...sorry…), put your feet up, and breathe deep.
Eight inches, yes. But floppy.

Riding the bench
I’m not heading to Oxford this weekend. First time in three games I’ve missed a trip there. So I’ve been reminding myself of what I said during my first trip there in 2006, which was that we’d never miss another trip to Oxford MS and The Grove.

Oh welp.

My buddy Nama twisted my arm into going back in '06 and despite a hangover for the record books on Saturday morning, it turned out to be quite a memorable experience.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to tailgate in The Grove every weekend. Maybe it’s the claustrophobic in me with all those thousands and thousands of people gathered together within a couple square miles. I much prefer Athens because, well, it’s home.

But when the SEC road schedule shines on you with a trip to Oxford, you can’t do much better than a Hotty Toddy Saturday.

And I’ve had the pleasure of both a late kick in Oxford as well as an 11AM local kick. So to keep us nice and relaxed, here’s what I can remember from both experiences.

Sundresses, Bud Light, and chandeliers
Having been goaded into a trip through Memphis to see the Dawgs play the Rebels (kids, this is what Ole Miss athletic teams used to be referred to before General Political Correctness marched through Oxford and stuck a Bear or something or whatever on a flag and all the local t-shirts and koozies), I had the hangoverest of headaches after a Friday night on Beale Street. Tennessee fans had invaded Memphis that evening to prepare for a game against Memphis State. I remember making fun of some of those inbreds at a nearby table as Nama and I drained flights and flights (and also some more flights) of beer.

We were likely speaking too loudly. Or maybe not loud enough. Probably the latter. But since neither of us were in any shape to throw a punch, probably good that we were seen more than we were heard.

A stop in Tunica for some gambling on the way down was the early plan. It was a 7pm kick I believe and I remember the other guys we were riding with were surprised we planned to leave Memphis by 9am. To Nama and I, hangover or not, that seemed rather late. I tried to sleep on the drive down but when we arrived I couldn’t add to 21 consistently if my life depending  on it, so I headed straight for the buffet and wished Nama good luck. After a couple hours of eating potatoes and gingerly sipping cold, cold water I desperately...desperately needed a beer.

We parked in Oxford and the campus was already starting to buzz. We could see Vaught-Hemingway in the distance and a parking attendant told us to “wait down yonder and a courtesy van would take us on up to The Grove”. The four of us got in and waited to depart.

Wolf pack in search of a chandelier.
Now, mind you, three of us are happily married and the other guy is engaged to be bethrothed. That’s important because of what I’m about to type into the screen that you’re looking into right now.

The driver returns to the door and asks us to scoot over some because there’s some more people about to get in. I turn around to look and there are 20+ (TWENTY!! PLUS!) coeds in sundresses about to pile into this courtesy van all around and over and on top of us.

It’s 2006. Which is also important because of what I’m about to type into your eye sockets. “No one will ever believe this happened,” I said to Nama as yet another AOPi sat in my lap. “None of us has a camera.”

Not even four months later Steve Jobs introduced an eye phone to the consumer public. It had a camera inside of it and it fit into your shorts pocket. Sonofabitch!

The driver was frustratingly reluctant to just keep driving us around campus all afternoon, a suggestion the four of us thought was prudent not to mention extremely accommodating, so as the ladies all climbed out they said to “be sure and come by the AOPi tent when you get to The Grove y’all. It’s the one with the chandelier.”

Seemed easy enough, until we stood at The Grove’s precipice and roughly 48% of the tents had chandeliers. We travelled around and if there were 1200 individual tailgates going on in that place, we were invited into all but about 200 of them. You can’t find a more genuinely accommodating crowd. I mentioned how nice Missouri fans were on our trip in 2012. This is different. It’s Southern Hospitality at its finest. It's P's and also Q's. It's manners ever so delicately intertwined with SEC competitiveness.

Plus, they talk like us, but with 100% more mentions of Mannings.

For instance, standing in line for the Port-O-Johns, Nama just happened to mention that we needed another beer. A kid overheard and told us to wait right there. He quite literally dove back into The Grove and emerged with two cold Bud Lights. It was as beautiful as it was absolutely magical. I couldn't help but look around for cameras, just sure that we were suddenly in a commercial.

We did find the AOPi’s again. They were super excited to see us again. Which is to say that they pretended to remember us and didn't fully ignore us. Then Charles Johnson whooped some rebel ass and on the car ride back to Memphis while stuck in traffic I managed to con my way onto the local post game talk show. I think I was about halfway through my Munson impression when they suddenly broke to commercial.

Great day. Great game. I swore we’d always go back.

Curb appeal
Five years later we let the wives come along. And by we let them I mean that they graciously accepted our invitation. This time we went through Tupelo and there were no hangovers to start out Saturday. After all, even though we’d gained an hour somewhere along I-20, we knew we’d need that and more to make kickoff at 11am.

Eleven! AM!

We got there early enough to tailgate some and soak in as much of The Grove as time would allow. It was definitely abbreviated but we got our bellies full and quenched our thirst. I can’t find a picture of it, but at the end of our row in the stadium was about 30 miniature Makers bottles, only a couple of which were ours. It was like a empty bourbon bottle depository.

It was another good game that saw the Dawgs victorious. Looked like we’d run away with it at the start, but ended up holding on at the end. As we were leaving we happened upon a young lady sitting calmly next to what looked like an unconscious fraternity pledge lying prostrate on a sidewalk, using the curb as a pillow. It appeared as if he'd gone twelve rounds with The Grove and lost by unanimous decision. He also appeared to be about five months removed from his high school Spanish class where he had learned to Siesta in the absolute worst of ways.

Is he alright honey?”, the wife asked.
Oh yes ma’am. He just needed a nap.”

That’s the way things go in Oxford. The Rebels (or whatever) don’t always win games, but their fans attack the tailgating scene like a drunken covered dish church hoard hellbent and armed to the nines with deviled eggs, fried chicken, and enough alcohol to survive two and half more Prohibitions.

Seriously, if Nucky Thompson were Southern, he’d’ve used The Grove as his main distribution hub.

Hotty Toddy now go buy yourself a personality.

freezer burned out
With those pleasantries out of the way…

Screw the rebs. Once purchased amateur players admit to as much on a national stage and Dr. Hugh gets nothing but a face full of nfl draft pie. He licks it off, grins, and then slips another five star a benji.

Then he winks. Cuz that's what bullshitters do when they're not bullshitting. They wink, surreptitiously.

Those rebel has beens are going to come out stark raving mad in their pretty blue uniforms. Their backs are against the wall after Kiffin pulled their drawers down in front of Uncle Verne last week and then swiped right on his Joey Freshwater tinder account. How brazen, right? Anyway, in 180 minutes of game time so far the Rebel Bears have only played just north of ninety. They’re embarrassed, pissed, and can’t seem to Shout Out  the super awkwardly soiled stain from their britches.

Case in point, Chad Kelly. This pampered bitch brat spends all week shot-gunning beer and serenading sororities with Nickelback karaoke blaring from his circa 1985 boom box that his uncle Jim handed down to him when he was a pimple-faced 8th grader.
Douche. First rate. Douche.

I hope Trenton Thompson eats his goddamn lunch brunch. I hope Bellamy buries his helmet in Captain Craptastic’s middle back and Lorenzo scoops and scores his second touchdown of the season. Kickoff’s at 11:00am, I hope they’ve surrendered by Noon. I hope they turn tail and walk back into the locker room, tv cuts to commercial, and then all of the rabid Dawg fans get to go back to the tailgates and finish what they started.

Then, Kirby sends his team to the bus before waltzing into Freeze’s office. The Georgia coach pulls out a clean Gillette, and shaves his week old beard right over the Ol’ Missy coach’s desk.

And stay the hell out of Georgia, asshole.” Then throws a slightly bloody towel on the floor and disappears into the eastern sun.

Now, please bow your heads...Dear Lord, I just gotta see some sacks something awful. Please. PLEASE let them big Dawgs EAT! In the name of Admiral Akbar, may he rest in peace. Amen.

Now, go Dawgs y'all!