Saturday, July 25, 2009

A Confederacy of Dunces

I've just dispatched the intern to Tuscaloosa. Seems my new freelance writer Willard needs to be bounced from the county pokey after a pretty big bender to close out Media Days. Not sure how he ended up in Tuskieloosie, but smart money is on Darth Saban. I had no idea about the existing restraining order when I contracted the guy.

But...he's kinda grown on me, so I feel it the nice thing to do to provide the means for his release. Hope those rusty bolt cutters and a MagLite flashlight are enough for Darren to get the job done.

Back to the bidness in Hoover. If Thursday's parade of Richt, Corch, Saban and the blessed one was the headliner for this year's session....Friday was the third act in a two act play.

Luckily, Willard caught up with KiffyBaby before naptime...and before Alabama State Troopers confiscated the remaining, singular Natty Ice in the suitcase.

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(URRRRRP!) Leonard Kiffins, too the hell bad Peyton left campus without (gulp...) any eligibility. BWAHAHAHA!! Can Eric frickin' Berry play QB?
This booster seat is sticky.
Yeh...yur pops spilled his Metamucil all over it. Sprout a pair and sit up straight! This won't take long... First qwesshun, you and Slurbie, cage match...who wins?
You know I'd drop that punk like I did Al Davis after the presser in LA when he...
Hey Wild Boy....there's Mr. Sleeeeeve!
Ah! I mean...Ahem! I really respect what he's doing in Pahokee...
Pahokee?? Calm down Calm gonna pop a pimple. Just chankin' yur yain. Does the Full Monte make you pump the gas when he carries (BEEELLCCHH!) yur ass to work?
No. He drives a two seater Miata. Layla rides shotgun.
BWAHAHAHA!!! So you ride your Schwinn. Does your spine fit in the lil basket? takes me.
Of course, Mama. The plot kiffins. Did she tie that pretty urranjah tie too?
No. It clips.
Nancy Boy....Say, does OrgyRon scare yu a lil' (guuurrp!) bit?
A little. But he's been real nice to me. Let's me ride on the back of his moped to the practice field.
Crapnockers! You need to live a little Kiffy. Shotgun this Natty Ice and then go yell in Saban's ear "WARHAWKS kick ass!!"

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I guess the rest will be a matter of public record when America's Most Wanted catches wind of the story. Turns out Satan's gift to college football can take some ribbing about getting schalack'd by the Utes in the SuperDome, but a gentle reminder of the win in Tuskieloosie that brings a smile to all Louisiana-Monroe fans, AwwBarn farmers and HillBilly "alums" out of bounds.

Live and learn Willard. Not everyone can be the Great Hale.

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