Thursday, September 1, 2011

CFA Kickoff: a Boise Fan's 20 Step Guide to Atlanta

Welcome y'all! Thanks for stopping by. My name's Bernie and I'll be your tour guide for the next few minutes. I'm not an Atlanta resident, but I play one from OTP (outside the perimeter). But please don't venture out here to the suburbs during your stay. You're much more welcome down amongst the crack whores, panhandlers and petty thieves capital city's denizens.
I've put together a list of things to help you during your stay. We want you to feel comfortable while you're here and leave with an empty wallet and a full belly. I've even included some definitions I thought you might need help with so nothing is lost in translation. Let's get to it.
Gen. Peckerwood

1. Down south it is customary to make your own bed, even when staying in hotels. In fact, just sleep on top of the covers. This reduces the risk of bed bugs biting.
2. What are bed bugs? Some critters we used in the War of Northern Aggression (what you prolly call the Civil War) to get back at those yankees. What are critters? Well, you're just messin' with me now.
3. Speaking of yankees, it is not a pardonable offense to even utter the name (of the jackhole that burned our town down). Less'n you want to spend the weekend in the pokey with 15+ former Auburn players that think you have a pretty mouth, I'd suggest you leave your version of the (Civil War) packed in that duffle bag you brought as a suitcase.
4. You are only allowed to wear bright orange clothing with long sleeves, preferably layered. This helps local residents identify you even before you even speak.
5. If you like something called "soduh"...or "pop", I hope you brought some. We drink Coca-Cola down here son.
Tea. Sweet by nature.
6. Speaking of refreshments, tea comes sweetened and poured over a heapin' helpin' of ice. Now, you can add a lemon if ya like. Just don't ask for it hot unless it's before 8am. Cuz by then the devil himself is working up a sweat.
7. As far as refreshments of an alcoholic nature, we serve beer cold and pour our bourbon neat, on the rocks or over a Co-Cola (shortened version of what you call pop). We ain't gonna pretend this is South Beach and you're not on vacation. Football away games are a business trip. Treat them as such and you should do fine. However, if you'd like some fancy drink or some kind of "spritzer" (sp?)...try Midtown Mr. Trendy Toes.
8. If you transported car flags or other vehicle adornments into the state it is okay to use them, but only between the hours of 1am and 7am. If you venture out in a car loaded with orange and blue crap outside of those hours...well, I warned ya son.
9. Wear deodorant. Perhaps you didn't pack any. Hell, for all I know they may not even sell it out where y'all're from. If so, find the nearest store or your concierge and simply raise you're arm as if to ask a question.
10. Grits are served with each and every breakfast, sometimes lunch and often with supper (Supper?'s a meal. Get used to it or you'll starve). A mess of them is a required daily nutritional allowance. Grab your fork, say thank you and eat them. Don't get sassy now.
11. When crossing streets, don't worry with crosswalks. We're all accommodating down here. As long as you're abiding by rule #3 we'll be happy to come to a complete stop so you can mosey on. (what's a mosey?...well I reckon it's at a similar pace to most of your tackle football players)
12. Air-conditioning don't grow on trees round these parts friend. So it can only be used by out of towners if you have paid the tax to City Hall. Just get on a MARTA bus and get off at the nearest MARTA train station. Collectors are scattered around like pecans off a tree, usually wearing old sweatshirts, pushing three-wheeled grocery carts and playing a 2 string guitar. Also, they don't wear deodorant which makes them easier to find.
13. Looking towards actual gameday reminders, grills require a license to operate in the state of Georgia. So leave the cooking to the true professionals. If you get hungry just before the game, simply find a nearby Dawg fan and he'll sell you a burger for a reasonable surcharge.
14. And btw, never, EVER refer to what we're doing on these grills as something called "barbecuing". BBQ (note the proper spelling there) is a product (ie. a noun) of hours and hours of slow heat, preferred seasonings and tender lovin care. It ain't no damn verb!!
For breakfast, lunch or supper.
15. If you happen by a tailgate you're likely to get invited in. If you accept the offer, do so with grace and reverence. We take pride in this and just get tickled to death hearing people like you talk. So don't get snappy when we say things like "Say that again?"...or "You talk like someone I saw in a movie once."...or "What's BOAISY? Why don't you [redacted]!!"
16. Actual game manners are next. Since you all dress like you're going to a Halloween party, you'll likely get searched pretty heavily entering the Dome. Just be glad it's not at Boddy Dobb. They take contriband to a whole nutha level.
17. Yes it's true. Even though you have your ticket in hand, you can't get into the GA Dome without a Waffle House receipt. And if you really want to enjoy the first half, get the hash browns "all the way, country". Your welcome.
18. We know you've all been bellyaching about this being a home game for us. But you know damn well it's not. You and the other bus load of Bronco fans can scream as loud as you want. We might even put one or two of you on the jumbotron so we can point and say "Look, it's those fellas that farted at our tailgate. They must've over did it at the Waffle House this morning."
19. Otherwise you're only allowed to cheer when Pat Forde or Kirk Herbstreit are there to lead it. Forde might make it, but Herbstreit is still too scared to come within so far of anything red and black for fear that Mitch Davis still has eligibility in his pocket and bad intentions in his heart.
20. Lastly, after the game...Delta's ready when you are. Just don't get in front of any departing Georgia fans Sunday. We all have SEC speed in Georgia y'all!

Thanks for stopping by. And next time you're around this way, stop on by Athens. We'd love to have you over again, anytime.

*Dawg're guide to the weekend comes tomorrow. Hunker down and let's get after it!


Anonymous said...

That Gen. Peckerwood was once Superintendent at LSU still ticks me off! They can call themselves "Tigers" all they want, but they all used to march around like William T {some damn indian} told 'em to.

Good advice about the hotel sheets, too. But they probably should keep on their clothes in bed as well.

Hell, it's probably not a good idea for them to get nekkid when showering in them Hotlanta hotels either. Those bed bugs can sure climb into some vacated clothing.

Anonymous said...

I didn't think rednecks could count to 20.

Dawgmjs said...

B, BBQ also involves hardwood smoke. I am sure this was an honest omission from your description. GATA!

Da Mighty Fred said...

oh goody, another Anonymous with a redneck joke. Not even a funny one

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:24,

We don't own a pair of shoes, so it's easy to count to 20, well except for poor 'ol Cletus. Bless his heart.

Da Mighty Fred said...

Anon 3:24
I doubt very much that you could count to 21 even if you removed your pants.

LoganDylan said...
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