Friday, September 30, 2011

Friday Misery, chapter 3: fake canines edition

Spanking ol Nutt up and down the field last weekend did little to quash my misery. To make matters worse we have to play host to the cheaters this weekend. Sure, they refused to pony up to Mr. Newton fell short of the asking price turned sCam's bagman away but they copied our mascot just like a 10th grade physics exam.

Plus, last season they manhandled us when the game was in the balance. Is there an equal and opposite reaction this season?

Fake Dogs
Uga was born into the Bulldog Nation in 1956. Five years later the Missy State Aggies adopted "Bully". Fifty years have passed and they still can't live up to their mascot's name. Aside from a 1998 appearance in the SEC Championship game and some uncharacteristic toughness last season, the Cowbells have mostly just clanked.

I've been to Starkville. It reminds me of a port-o-let: functional, but you just can't wait to be done with your business and get the hell out of there. But being trapped in a town that modern conveniences like electricity and running water left behind decades ago is no reason to steal a mascot. Imitation might be the sincerest form of flattery, but this the South son. The only thing we should be trying to imitate is Grandma's grits.

Buy in
As much as the door to the UGA tackle football program has been used recently you'd think Coach Richt would just take the friggin' thing off the hinges. The latest departures were Derek Owens and Kendrun Malcome...then Boo came back. So we're not so thin at RB anymore, but I'm still perplexed.

This is going to start to sound like a Get off my lawn!!! rant, so you've been warned. I mean, what happened to the idea of hard work pays off? I mean damn, QB is the hardest position to break through if you're a back up and DJ Shockley waited 5 years to play. The G used to mean something to every player.

And don't start making excuses for these players that leave either. That makes fans sound ignorant. I know why Owens was unhappy, just like I understand why Malcome is frustrated. But damn, keep working and get ready. Don't settle for seemingly greener pastures just so you can drop a load.

If you're in the stands tomorrow, get loud. It's not a library folks. You're starting to really piss me off with this sitting on your hands and waiting for a microfiche machine to fall in your lap. (For you younger readers, microfiche is like Google without the bandwidth) If you're at Sanford to do research you've reached the wrong venue. Leave the decimal filing system for Monday's action. Let's use the Dewey-Decibel system instead.

To participate just try talking to the guy who's sitting in the seat across the stadium instead of the guy sitting next to you. If I can hear myself think it's a pretty good bet that the MSU offensive line can hear Chris Relf or that skinnier white kid that LSU nearly put in the hospital.

How do you win in the Dewey-Decibel System? Glad you asked. If the preacher can't hear your voice in the Call to Worship Sunday morning, you win. Simple. The raspier and ripped to shreds your vocal cords are, the better.

Trench Warfare
Losing to any team from the state of Mississippi is a lot like losing a Miss America pageant to Slovakian woman in a size 18 housecoat with warts in unkind places. It just shouldn't happen. But losing to the feaux dogs like we did last year is especially unbecoming. The bully became the bullee as they pushed our guys around like ragdolls and controlled the clock and the first down markers.

If the same thing happens tomorrow I'm going to go ahead and apologize to those in the row in front of me, because I will get sick to my stomach and it won't be pretty. There's no reason to get pushed around like that again. It's our playground and we should enjoy the swing as long as we want damnit. Give ol' Dan a taste of what it's like to be the kid in loafers at recess. 

Nothing short of dominating these half-bred, trailer squatin', live-in-a-town-with-a-semi-functional-water-tower, cowbell clanking mouth breathers will do. 



AthensHomerDawg said...

Good stuff! Thanks.

Scott Kirk said...

Here is the primer for tomorrows game Dawg Fans.