Monday, January 23, 2012

Monday's Meatloaf - the enigmatic awkwardness of medical intimacy

Apparently I missed a family memo sometime last year as heart surgery became as commonplace as fried catfish in my family. Dad flew through with flying colors, nephew aced his like a champ and my uncle completed the family trifecta last week. But the writing was in the chili and I can read, despite reports to the contrary. I figured I better go visit the doc.


Breathe easy Bernie.
After checking with my local politicians and congressional "representatives" to see if I qualified for healthcare I asked the wife to remind me where our doctor set up shop. Once there they put me through the usual routine: sat me in a waiting room 30 minutes past my appointment time. Weighed me. Made me piss in a little cup. Made me wait another 15 minutes. Took my blood. Hooked me up to a machine. Tried to confuse me with four and a half pages of forms that ask you your name every 10 questions. Weighed me again. Sent me to x-ray. Scheduled a stress test. And then...


Well, after "skipping" about 4 years worth of physicals I had somehow forgotten about the whole "turn your head and cough" portion of the exam. What's worse is then the test goes all Fletch on you and you're asking Doc if he's ever served time in between verses of Moon River.


In the end, acing the stress test brought my overall physical exam to a C-. Which is to say Mrs. Bernie will raise my cholesterol 10 points by hassling me about each bourbon I pour while lowering it 15 points by serving fish on steak night. One step back, two steps forward. Or did I get that backwards.


Drop your shorts and bend over Mr. Babar.....You using the whole fist Doc? Ugh. Pass the gravy and let's all get to the lunch table. 


Today's Ingredients
Coming soon to a running
lane near you?
  • Not a good weekend for Fox's Dawgs on the hardwood.
  • Along that line, Hoopdawg breaks down the loss to Ole Miss.
  • Luckily the women were able to avoid Admiral Ackbar's trap. Easily.
  • Weiszer brings us the Dooley and Richt reactions to Joe Paterno's passing.
  • In case you missed it, Streit has begun a series looking back at the careers of some Damn Good Dawgs. Here's his take on Brandon Boykin.
  • Remember leading up to the SECCG when Richt couldn't stop talking about LSU fullback JC Copeland's size and ability to clear the running lane? Well, sUGAr falling is hearing Mike Thornton may move to fullback.
  • the Senator observes the Phil Steele's returning starter numbers for the SEC. Should Lil Dools find enough coaches for his tackle football team, they should have the most experienced group to work with...you know, assuming no one else leaves the program.
  • Over at Leather Helmet there's another podcast up where Socrates and the guys set things up for the stretch run on Recruiting Rd.
  • Kipp Adams has a complete rundown ($$) of who the top remaining targets are for the Dawgs.
  • Meanwhile Chad Simmons tell us that Memphis hotshot Sheldon Dawson could announce sometime soon ($$).
  • Gene Chizik pries Addazio's right hand man from Temple.
  • Over on the flats, the engiNerds are sick of losing recruits to other schools so now they're just dropping them. Even ones that have been truly committed. 
  • Lastly, last week I told you about a new children's book centered on Hairy Dawg, written by Josh and Wendy Torres. Now they are making This Little Dawg available to you at 20% off until the end of January. Click here to order and use this code when checking out -  JWJAN12.


Now that college football season has drawn to a close, I've sent Darren the Intern on a new assignment. Over the next few months he will update us on Atlanta suburbanites' use of the infamous Peach Pass lane. This morning I have him straddling the concrete lane divider just north of Pleasant Hill Rd. I think he's set up, let's check in:
HERO unit express lane!
Bernie: Darren...are you there? How's the pay lane looking this dreary Monday morning?
Darren: Well sir, so far the HERO units outnumber the rush timers 4 to 1. Also saw one bicycle rider as well. So I guess it's 4-1-1. Ha ha.
Bernie: Terrific. And what do the "free" lanes look like?
Darren: Pretty congested. Another 15-20 minutes and they'll be at a standstill. Can someone at headquarters bring me some coffee?
Bernie: I just poured the last cup Darren. Sorry about that. See ya at lunch. And don't forget to set up the webcam for next week's update.
Darren: But I could really - [transmission drops]


What a great kid. Has a real future in hard hitting journalism, assuming he eventually gives up pursuing his degree in Enigmatology like yesterday's word jumble. 


Or he might pursue accounting as he's also been keeping close tabs on the donations during this month's pledge drive. Thanks to those of you who've taken the opportunity to pass along some cash. Still a couple weeks left, and I truly appreciate your support. We might even buy Darren an umbrella for next week's Peach Pass Update. Or some worcestershire sauce for the meatloaf. Until then, here's a napkin Reader. Your stress test awaits.




Bernie