Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Roll Hyperbole Roll...

Nicholai Sabane called BDB headquarters yesterday. He's evidently an athletic coach at the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. I also had the opportunity to speak with their president Dr. Robert E. Witt (from Tuscaloosa), Sela Ward (from Hollywood), Bernard Madoff (from prison) Rece Davis (from Bristol), Dabo Swinney (from a West Virginia sex slave ring) and Joe Namath (from a bar at least 50 feet away from Suzy Kolber).

They were all concerned that I had fallen victim to a campus prank. I ran with a story (blogger lingo for clicking the Publish button) when it was in the very least a slight bit embellished. Indeed, the tweet that included the pic was pulled down from the interwebs sometime yesterday. 

Oh hyperbole! You vicious whore you!

Speaking of whores...ladies of the night are not running rampant in Tuscaloosa dormitories. The signs pasted and displayed on the windows, walls and entrances at Rose Towers on the campus of the University of Alabama were a frivolity, a public display of tomfoolery...some high jinks if you will. Even as you read this, "Mandatory Quiet Hours" are being respected and abided by without the slightest groan, moan or playful slap of "that nasty ass".

And actually, it was pretty apparent even before clicking Publish that it was a humorous antic. But as I explained to Coach Sabane, I'm no journalist. Even as Rece chastised me for defamation of character and Dabo ridiculed me for embarrassing myself (really Dabo...really?), I reminded them that my reader doesn't always click over here for hard hitting truths and indisputable facts. He clicks for a little escape from an afternoon deadline; a brief respite from an overdue expense report. It's the difference between a Grady School of Journalism degree and a blogging diploma sponsored by Shaefer's Light.

But as I explained to Broadway Joe and attempted to reason with Ms. Ward, the silver lining is that young coeds are actually studying at Alabama. They're no longer dangling their private parts on, around and in the vicinity of LSU fans and YouTube cameras. They're not even poisoning trees any more! They're certainly not purchasing the services of hookers and committing acts of lewdness next to dorm room hot plates. What's more is that these coeds are not even the ones doing the servicing themselves to get a little extra cash in between plagiarizing an Alabama Philosophy in the 21st Century paper and botching a History of Legends: the Bear Years midterm exam.

Whew! Bama students are using their parents' extra money for xerox copies at a local Kinko's, a cup of coffee before an early class, a Costco membership so that they can purchase Ramen noodles in bulk. They're NOT throwing cash at local crack whores who solicit in the dorm lobbies and cruelly leave doors open so that RA's get cold.

The world is a better place this morning Reader. Especially in Rose Towers, on the campus of Alabama in Tuscaloosa.


Bernie said...

That is a relief. I was beginning to hear rumors that Coach Sabane's own swimmers and divers were at the center of the ring.

Bernie said...

I remember a simpler time when we all had visions of hookers in the lobby of dorms. 

I hate progress.

Bernie said...

Well I believed it sort of.  After the tree poisoner, the teabag*** and the callers to the Finebaum show I was not all that skeptical.  I am really beginning to hate the Barn less and pity them for having to live amongst such people.  A fan base that makes me have sympathy for the Barn is capable of just about anything.