Thursday, June 28, 2012


**This is a future post, based solely on my skepticism and cynicism in the leadership and current mindset surrounding major college football. Read now or save until 2024.**

Hey Sexton! I want lots a chicken!
Ok, so yesterday as reported by Sr. Lead College Football Analyst Joe Schad on ESPNU3, commissioners from all four conferences met to discuss expanding the playoff format from its current 16 team seeding to 32 or possibly 48 teams. This has long been rumored to be in the works as dwindling funds have many athletic admins scraping by. Just last week South Carolina offered Houston Nutt the head coaching position for just $5.75 million a year. 

What's more is that the University of Texas' operating budget is now dipping below $300 million for the first time in nearly a decade. Longhorn officials cite dwindling football season ticket sales as the #1 culprit as fans save nickels and dimes during the fall so that they can possibly spend the cash on the post-season hotel rooms, seats on Greyhounds and "We're #1!!" foam fingers.

Locally the impact has had similar unsavory results. Just last November attendance at the Georgia-Georgia Tech game was at its lowest since 2018; only 18,000 Georgia fans showed up to cheer the third-stringers and walk-ons at Bobby Dodd after both teams had clinched spots in their all important conference championships.
"Why would I play my best fish fryers on a Dragon Con weekend," responded Tech head coach Paul Johnson. "Lil Timmy can chop block. Just last week he took out Coach Groh's starting DE in drills. I know what it takes to win games next month. I don't care that we haven't won a game against UGA since 2009. This game with the pups means nothing. We're getting ready for Wake Forest and the Super Duper Atlantic Mega Game in Spartanburg SC next week. We want better than the national 13 seed we got last year in Poughkeepsie."
Heh, so long bitches!
And fans continue to clamor for a return to the glory days of the long defunct Bowl Championship Series. Not long after Iowa had beaten California for the Target Stores National Championship Game featuring 2 for the price of 1 Tide cleaning detergent, many pointed to the fact that the Cyclones freshman quarterback Vince Young Jr. had not even played a meaningful snap all season until December. Texas Longhorn DSISTC (Damn Straight I'm Still The Coach!) Mack Brown only chuckled, "I knew they's saving that kid. Nothing wrong with that! Heh, heh!"

But signs still point to a dead BCS. Mike Slive has long left the country on his yacht MONEY BAG$$. He hasn't even been seen since the Summer of 2017 somewhere off the coast of southern France sipping courvoisier from a vintage Ole Miss stadium cup. And he's the only person who has a map to where Sagarin's formula is buried. appears we're heading towards a larger post-season. Despite the fact that no team ranked higher than 9th all season has won the championship in over eight years. Despite the fact that the champion hasn't won its own conference since Boise State got in as a 7 seed out of the Pac-Mountain-Semi-Western WEED IS FINALLY LEGAL!!! Athletical Conference in 2019. And despite the fact that EDSBS' long running CFB fan poll shows a whopping 99% dissatisfaction rating with the current system.

If there's a silver lining to those long lost years being in the rearview mirror, at least the coaches are still no longer voting. Southern Badass Country Boys Can Survive Athletic Superiority Conference commissioner Mumme has at least been able to keep that off the table. Even the 2021 champion Hawaii Rainbow Obama non-Birthers approve.

Stay tuned as next week we look back at how major television networks used to actually broadcast sporting events, as well as the related article by Sr. ESPN the iMagazine Sportswriter Craig James.


Bernie said...

Pure gold. I'm both scared and laughing hysterically.

Bernie said...

Please forward me a new laptop. Mine is no longer working. It seems I spewed coffee all over it while laughing!

Bernie said...

I don't know whether to laugh, or cry, or start burning buildings to the ground. Probably I'll just pick two of the three.
In other words....I have very little confidence in the people running this show, and I think the above scenario is really not THAT out of the realm of possibility.