Monday, June 25, 2012

Monday's Meatloaf - it's time to close the door on Prez Adams

2013...less cognac, more bourbon
(approach podium, clear throat, smile) One score and many moons ago, when I was 17, I failed in an attempt to become mayor of the city of Athens. My whole platform was based on the need for two pizza lines in each school and cheaper gasoline. After all it was $.89/gallon and I was trying to make ends meet while working concessions at The Classic Triple. Goobers and Mike n Ikes stock was down and times were tough. But I was young and a dreamer full of ideals. When I had already lost with 1% of the precincts reporting, I promptly retired from the arena of politics. Convinced it just wasn't for me.

But dear Reader...and mom...I am typing in front of you today as a new man. I lay my 39 years of experience before you as a matter of public record. Debate it, pore over it, let it simmer over the summer. Because a year from now I want to be your president! (pause for applause...)

Thank you, but let me explain. My aim is not for the Oval Office. My aspirations are grander. My vision has laid a course for a loftier perch. You see fair Reader, my skills are needed in Athens GA even more than they are needed in DC; they are needed from the Arch on North Campus all the way across College Station where my intramural softball glory still resonates today; my skills are needed to address concerns over tailgating, concerns over the current lack of pencil sharpeners in classrooms, the need for a week off before and after the WLOCP, seating arrangements in Sanford on Saturdays in the Fall, and repair the image that was been shit all the hell over tarnished over the last several years. (another pause, probably longer this time)

You're probably asking how you can help. No, please...put your wallets and checkbooks away. I appreciate the gesture, but I'd rather you save your hard earned money for a basketball recruit ticket or a trip to the Tate Center Plaza. I don't need signs in yards or volunteers interrupting peoples' suppers every night. I don't need expensive airplane trips across oceans and my wife and I won't need a private residence to hide from our esteemed students. We're Georgia red, the Chapel Bell rings within our hearts and even though this could be considered another Reconstruction Era, our luggage isn't made from carpets. And when we win, you're all invited to my suite in Sanford. Every Saturday - winter, spring summer and fall.

GATA y'all, here's some hope, keep your change and rock the vote! IT"S TIME!! (wave exuberantly, light cigar, point to jumbotron, press play and plug in your air guitar)

Today's Ingredients
- And while you're in the mood to vote, Kyle King would like your ballot placed ASAP for a 5th nominee in the HoF voting.
Hoage doing some Tiger hunting, via DawgBone
- Former Dawg diver Chris Colwill is going back to the Olympics after a dramatic win at the trials yesterday.
- David Ching has compiled a bucket list for UGA fans. How's your list coming so far?
- The Minnesota Vikings believe Blair Walsh is the answer at placekicker. As Blutarsky points out, if so Richt may have some serious 'splaining to do
- You remember last week's chapter on How much Tech fans are obsessed with us where wedding nuptials were taken over a dead Uga cake? Cute, demented little dorks. In this week's chapter ecdawg finds more hilarity from the internet's funniest location, StingTalk.
- CCRider's "review" of Abraham Lincoln Southern Murderer is brief, then takes on a life of its own.
- Donnan has reached a settlement agreement in his Ponzi scheme case.
- Intellivision over says George Plimpton.
- Lastly, Ben Dukes played Down in Flames on national television last week. It's the least Craig Ferguson could do for the guy who "coordinates" the audience so well.

With all due respect to one of the leading scientific minds in history, I would like to take this opportunity to share my own personal findings as it relates to one of Newton's laws of motion.

Sir Isaac, meet Bernie's Law of Energy
Efficiency - SHUT THE DOOR!
You see, it's hot y'all. No amount of lemonade and no number of oscillating/rotating fans is gonna change that now. Each summer I vow to protect my house from two enemies: super-heated, humid air and nasty pests (ants, cockroaches, the flying buzzing kind). My house has three main points of entry, all secured by a door that both shuts and locks. These doors shut out the enemies and lock in the cool, clean air. Amazing!

But here's where it gets troublesome for Sir Isaac, and subsequently myself as well. Opening the door is an action. Now when I open them there is an opposite and equal REaction...the door REcloses, securing everything I hold dear inside (again, most notably cold, clean air). However the same law of motion doesn't hold true for the other occupants of the household. My sturdy, lockable doors are like balls that bounce up, then never return to Earth. It's as if they exist inside vacuums and no amount of times that I say "CLOSE THE DOOR!!!!" does it rectify on its own.

Now, I'm not saying Newton was an idiot. It's just clear he didn't live with my beautiful young ladies...whom I adore and wouldn't trade for anyone else in the world. I just may have to start using that locking mechanism a little more often. And speaking of closing, shut the oven door Reader. Meatloaf's ready. Dig in!



Bernie said...

Time to close the door on Prez Adams??????....... Is the blog 15 years old?

Bernie said...

I apologize for the tardiness. It took long while to get over that mayoral campaign. And a lot of Milk Duds.

Bernie said...

The Classic Triple......that takes me back.

Bernie said...

We had Dirty Dancing for a full 4 months and also had Raw, Nuts and Batteries Not Included at the same time. Which of course made for some "hilarious" box office window orders. Over...and over...and over...again.