Monday, July 16, 2012

Monday's Meatloaf - closing in on wedded bliss

True story. I swear.

My bride and I met in college. But she didn't really speak to me much at all. It wasn't that she was stuck up or snooty. It had more to do with the fact that, in baseball terms, she's a star slugger and I'm more of a double A journeyman farm system closing pitcher. So I wasn't swayed or turned off all those times when I said "Hey Jennifer! How are you today?" and she said, "Oh. Hey."

Nope. I was determined. I would need something the cool kids referred to as an "A game". That and a clean shirt perhaps. Yep, I was the closer and it was just the third inning.

Hodgson's...where love is born
one scoop at a time.
Graduation came for me, but if you've been to Athens GA you already know that you can't always just up and leave. It's the greatest city on Earth. My roots were deep. Plus, she was still in town. So I hung around and kept the local beer stores in business. On Sunday nights we'd gather for trivia. Being a recent graduate with a next to nothing job and living in low rent housing, I had an abundance of knowledge to show off. Of all the pitchers of beer we almost won I contributed my share, which is to say I stayed out of the way and simply offered my two cents when the topic came to music...or how to stretch a 4 year degree into 5+ years.

This obviously impressed the future Mrs. Bernie. I mean, what young woman isn't attracted to a man that stays out of the way and lends a helping hand only when called upon?

Story short, I closed the deal. Once I finally got her attention with my limited trivial knowledge all it really took was an offer of a trip to Hodgson's Pharmacy to land the first date. That's why now, as we're on the verge of our 15th year in matrimony, I offer this as advice for you younger readers. If she outmaneuvers you, acts like you're not even there...well, hold steady. Sexy starting pitchers with the fat stacks can't always go the distance. And that's when a closer steps up to the counter, a couple quarters in hand.* 

Today's Ingredients
- Then again, perhaps former President Reagan said it best: You'll never get in trouble if you say "I love you" at least once a day.
- SEC officials, coaches and players are descending upon Hoover. We'll have some live video feed and replays as well. Georgia helps conclude the event on Thursday.
- Speaking of Media Days, Blutarsky has an idea for a ol' Ball Coach question, in terms of competitive balance in the SEC.
- Game times and channels will start to fall into place today. Tyler and Jim from Duluth consulted and came up with a pretty good sketch. (Update: here's the tv sked through first three weeks)
- DavetheDawg has a collection of thoughts on the upcoming season based on a WLOCP rewatch.
- Fletcher recaps Dawg Night, including an evaluation of the commitments.
- Chris Low looks at some of the recent transfers in the SEC.
- Didn't take long, but ecdawg found a Bammer throwing yellow hammers at glass houses as it relates to Reuben Foster getting ca$h from Auburn...allegedly.
- Be sure and vote in the poll up there to the right, which tailback will have the best season.
- John Isner beat Lleyton Hewitt in straight sets to defend his Hall of Fame Tennis Championship.
- I've stayed out of the PSU fray. It just makes my stomach turn. This piece by Rick Reilly makes as much sense as you possibly can.
- For my fellow Breaking Bad aficionados, here is Sepinwall's review of last night's premiere. Yo! Magnets bitches!
- Lastly, remember when I used to do the occasional beer review on here? Well, if you liked that kind of thing Joe, Kyle and I now have a Blog on Draft. Cheers!

Normally when the wife goes to the mall I have at least one kid that doesn't want to go so I can easily and innocently just offer to stay home. This gives me a terrific opportunity to hold onto my man card without having to follow behind through countless stores, holding shopping bags and (GASP!) standing there in the middle of a department store while the little lady holds up shirts to your chest to see how the color matches your skin tone.
Much better than Macy's brand.

Kill. Me. Now.

No, I'd much rather stay at home. I don't piss her off by "subtly" trying to rush her. And if I need a shirt, she just brings several home for me to try. I pick the one I like and then one day I come home from work and the rest that didn't make the cut are gone. 

Easy. Perfect. Wedded bliss!

But yesterday a key component of the Bernie evades shopping infrastructure was gone. The kids are up in the mountains with the grandparents rock stars. When she asked me to go to the mall I looked for my youngest first. She always would rather stay and climb a tree, or play Madden, or help me eat a bag of Lay's Tangy Carolina BBQ chips. I was stuck. So I put 14.998 years of holy matrimony on the line and said...."No."

I closed my eyes and prepared for the worst but I quickly realized that a negotiation was commencing. Instead of getting smacked upside the cranium I was being asked to reconsider. You're probably thinking that I quickly played the Lawn needs mowing card and then hoped for a late afternoon rainstorm. But no, I artfully kept the Mall of Georgia off the table and eventually settled on driving her to Kohl's. After a half hour of listening to Bieber and Nickelback's "greatest hits" over the intercom we were on our way to Pepe's for a late afternoon margarita.

Winner winner chicken dinner! Happy anniversary honey! For the rest of you, keep closing. Maybe one day you can drink the coffee. Here's your fork. Have a great Monday!

*Yes, I'm aware that it is now a buck a scoop. I'm old. I can even remember when it was a dime and was located across from where 5 Points Bottle is now. So don't burn me in the comments and make me look bad. Even after 14.998 years I still skate on thin ice.


Bernie said...

Can't remeber when it was a dime, but it was $.20 when I was in school. Great place to cool off. Happy anniversary to you both! Go Dawgs!

Bernie said...

Congrats to both of you!

Bernie said...

I always knew you were wise, Bernie... it's ultimately always about looking for the opening in the line, and hitting it quick and convincingly, whether it be football or marriage

Bernie said...

Thanks. One day my bark might live up to her bite.

Bernie said... remembered!

Bernie said...

Whether it's 3rd and 15 and Bobo calls a draw, or 2nd and've gotta be ready!