Friday, November 9, 2012

Friday Misery - bed checks...ALL IN!!

Wave your Chiz Rags barners! Trooper'll show you how after he's done slamming a case of Monster energy drinks and trimming Pat Dye's toenails. Rally around Jonna and create a "very powerful all-in movement"...to help load the moving trucks.

It's a family tradition
This is one of college football's richest historical series. Georgia and Auburn have shared alumni/players/coaches over the decades and the overall series is as tight as a virgin butthole during a routine prostate exam. Many feel that this game has long been a friendly rivalry. Some would even suggest to you that it is similar to a couple brothers playing a casual game of two-hand touch in a freshly mown backyard.

Horseshit.

I reject the notion that this series was or ever will be "friendly". Wholeheartedly reject it. Anyone who suggests otherwise has bounced too many times on Uncle Verne's knee. That or they really enjoy rooting for other SEC teams while singing Kum-Ba-Ya in their bath robe on a bed of daisies. "Go War Eagles!! Beat the Ducks! Oh yeh, SEC baby!"
Tra ain't got no broken wing!

Friggin' hippies...with your ridiculous harmonious solidarity. While y'all were eating mushrooms and blasting Mr. Mister out of Russell Hall's windows THEY WERE TURNING WATER HOSES ON US GODDAMMIT!! Years later they tried to kill Reggie Brown. Laid him out on the turf and then danced around his inanimate body like rejects from MC Hammer's "posse". Get your shit together dude. This isn't just a $cam and Fairley 2010 thing hombre. It cuts deeper. The lineage is twisted and gnarled. They're a schizophrenic step cousin-in-law at best. The kid your parents force you to play with at family reunions, but instead you leave them in the backyard after telling them to count to 500...by threes. "Voodoo magic..pppffpt!"

If you're STILL not convinced, ask yourself this: Was Tra battle just wanting bragging rights over little brother Brandon Cox in 2006? Was Michael Johnson just adding to the familial atmosphere when he WENT OFF on the barners in 2002? AND AGAIN in 2003!

Do me a favor and don't cheapen the storied series with your hand holding and your self-serving soliloquy about how nice they are. Don't say stupid shit like Nick Fairley is a hard nosed player and you love Trooper's energy level. They're Auburn...basically a bunch of cow herders with "diplomas".

Barn door semantics
We ARE Planesmen. We ARE Abuurn!
Many people were understandably taken in with Abuurn's new motto "All in!" a couple years ago. They were on the verge of a historic run towards an undefeated season. It had a sense of family and togetherness. Chizik seemed brilliant.

But now the truth comes to light. These people no more know what their actual mascot is than they know where their players are at 11:00pm on a Tuesday night. To borrow from Mr. Foxworthy, If you have to perform bed checks on a school night...you might be Coach Chizik! And if you have to hire a "security firm" to perform said bed check...you might be Jonna Chizik's wife.

To best understand the meaning behind the phrase, picture a paranoid schizo that's been stuffing lithium tablets down his sock. So when they say "all in"...they mean every one of their mascots personalities: the tigers, the Troopers, the eagles, Aubie, the Eric Ramsey tape recorders, lil Terry Butterbean, the bagmen, the new church steeple, and plain assed men dressed accordingly.

In summary, these are the people that stole our Battle Hymn and bastardized it with their own lyrics. These are the people that cheer for a team that has spent more time under the clouds of NCAA scrutiny than Terry Bowden has spent eating fried pies and small children. They would love nothing more than to spoil our re-energized season.

That is if they can somehow hire an agency equipped to help them tie their cleats. All in! for second grade motor skills y'all! War Damn Tiglesmen!