Friday, November 2, 2012

Friday Misery - of AkBears and cowboy boots

Shout out to the official attack squadron of BDB, the HSL 51 Warlords. Tomorrow will make two weeks in a row Jason has had the pleasure of getting up at 4:30 on a Sunday morning over in Atsugi Japan to watch his Dawgs play.

And we thought WE were unhappy about the noon kickoffs.

Welcome Mat
Helllloo Rebel Black AkBears! Welcome to our fair state. We hope you'll find your accommodations more than acceptable. After all, you're always so hospitable when we visit Oxford. To help you enjoy your stay we've gone to the trouble and expense of constructing a helpful guide. It can't be easy traveling all this way from the 1960s. These tips should make for a smoother transition.

You're welcome.

- Our hotels are equipped with something called "Wi-Fi". Ignore the signs and don't ask, unless you want your mind blown.
- Our water fountains are not only de-segregated but they are also not used. At all. Instead we use these recyclable plastic bottles that make us believe the water is cleaner and better for us. And yes, we pay for them. Again, don't ask.
- Let me go ahead and apologize for our gas prices. You'll need a whole week's salary just to get through Atlanta. BUT....our gas stations are now equipped with hot dogs packed with nitrates!! The stale bun is free with purchase.
- Once on campus you're going to see a LOT of beautiful young ladies in cowboy boots. Don't ask them if the hay's in the barn unless you want a red solo cup of beer thrown in your face.
- Please don't embarrass yourself by complaining about the length of the game. It's actually being televised. That's right, it happens a LOT more frequently than it does where you're from so the commercials lengthen the experience.
- While you wait, enjoy our "jumbotron". Or get a head start on recycling your stadium experience byproducts. You don't want none of our Stadium Defender...TO THE FACE! TO THE FACE!!

Trap vs Wrap
Georgia is coming off of an emotional win in Jacksonville. We've seen it time and again, the Dawgs fall flat against a lesser opponent and either eek out a win or stumble around the full sixty minutes. People are saying this Ole Miss game is dangerous because we have so much to play for and the RebelAkBears have everything to gain. In short, we're hungry, but are they hungrier?

A storyline that has been mimic'd time and time again...It's a trap!



Even in sweats Penny is smokin'. She's got the look and the casual I don't really give a shit what you're saying as she walks on by.

We need to look and act like Penny tomorrow. While Sheldon Ole Missy is standing there saying Hey look at us with our SEC winning streak and new found attitude we can just walk on by saying Is that all you got? 

I mean look at you Ole Miss. You were this great and legendary thing...off the field at least. You've still got so much to be proud of with your campus and two-thirds of the Mannings. And now you're a cute and cuddly teddy bear. You dumped Colonel Reb in a Grove dumpster and turned into this schizophrenic hot mess that's both cute and really frickin' annoying. Make a decision already and stop wasting our goddamn time. It's been years and you're still quibbling. I guess that's what you get for canning Coach Cutcliffe.

So no, this isn't a trap game. This is a wrap game, as in wrap up the East and then party on the Plains next week. We left those damn gators crying in the St. Johns. Poor Driskel hasn't slept all week. Meanwhile Pinkel's had a grad assistant driving him around in a golf cart since Sunday while he slugs down boilermakers and calls his quarterback a sissy. It's kind of like what Shawn Williams did for us last week except with a .26 blood alcohol level and a lot of Cheetos' dust on the old man's fingers. 

The Dawgs haven't played in Athens in weeks. The crowd will be beyond frenzied and the retired cheerleaders have all had double doses of Geritol. Hell, I'm bringing TWO dates for Homecoming!! It can't get any more real and I can't be any more serious...

Wrap this y'all. Take care of business and let's hunker down!