Saturday, December 8, 2012

Alternatives to the Heisman ceremony

Tonight the Heisman Award will be given to the year's least undeserving player. Don't kid yourselves, this award has been irrelevant for decades. Herschel couldn't win the thing during his freshman season so it has lost a large measure of validity every year since, with an exception in 1982.

So tonight, here's some things you can do instead of watching Herbstriet gush over   (insert quarterback's name here)   or some Tom Rinaldi story designed to make you cry over that kid that plays defense with the Japanese restaurant's name on his jersey. Choose carefully, and bonus points if you manage to fit in all of them:
I was so Lochte before Ryan was so Lochte.
  • cut your toenails
  • watch a movie with Matthew McConaGay in it
  • pretend to be helping your wife with mailing all those Christmas Cards until she realizes you're (completely unintentionally...) sticking the address labels upside down
  • read a book
  • troll Abuurn fans, at least the ones that have internet dial up
  • introduce your lady friend to the musical stylings of Mr. Barry White
  • eat a bowl of cereal at 8pm just for the hell of it
  • call your mom and tell her you just ate a bowl of cereal at 8pm
  • go around your block with a cup of hot chocolate and sing carols door to door until that creepy jewish lady calls the cops because you won't stop screaming the lyrics to Sandler's Hanukkah Song and get off her lawn
  • read every post I've ever written after google translating them all into swedish
  • learn to read swedish
  • invite yourself over to a neighbor's house and turn all of their pictures upside down when he goes to get you a beer(s)
  • catch a Greyhound bus Watts Dantzler style to each Heisman finalist's hometown and spray paint on the welcome sign - Manti/Johnny/Collin wears JARVIS JONES pajamas!!!" 
  • make pudding
  • spend all afternoon gathering up every 2012 election yard sign you can find and then erect them all in the neighborhood nazi's* yard
  • buy a ticket for the 2012 Sun Bowl and then call to return it because you "didn't realize Georgia Tech was playing in it...again."
Add your own in the comments.

Or if you've already done all that, grab a couple fingers of bourbon and join me out on the deck. We can compare the depths of our misery from one week before. That might sound like an awful way to spend a Saturday night, but it beats the hell out of watching a fake award show.

*This is usually the president of the HOA.