Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Advanced Trolling - Mark May plays the sitar, and other things

So, in the wake of all the Les Miles hysteria I have a new plan for taking this internet identity thing to the next (more popular) level. This plan will naturally commence once all the lemmings have all but forgotten about the LSU coach's scandalous affair with a coed. Because that is the time to strike. While the iron is hot as they say! And while everyone is once again bored beyond all hope.

Because it is our duty as interweb chieftains to make each and every off season as colorful and eventful as possible. I accepted this pledge and this challenge years ago. I will do my part, implementing this easy seven step system designed to take me to perpetual stardom. Or just get me a few thousand more followers. Whatevs.

Regardless, step back son. Let your neighborhood blogger take it from here.

Step One
Choose target carefully. You can't pick someone too squarely in the limelight (read: Stephen Garcia in his heyday of laying chicks with daddy issues and guzzling Keystone by the case) or too far outside of it (read: whoever took over the quarterbacking from Stephen Garcia). And it should be someone I have at least a moderate working knowledge of so that I can pass my diction along as real talk y'all.

Other qualifications: edgy bordering on hated by the masses; within the city limits of College Football USA, because that is where most of my readers reside; beyond what we all see on the tv screen, Twitter or other places of the internets, this person should be relatively obscure and unknown. We don't necessarily need a paragraph on his/her Wiki page addressing their militant vegan lifestyle or their brief dabble with Hinduism. Just the basic, flat, public persona will do.

It'd also be nice if they played the sitar. Because I hate listening to the sitar. But perhaps that's too random.

"Swag swag swag on you..chillin' by the
fire eatin' fondue..." (via)
Anyway, this is naturally subject to change, but right now I'm leaning towards Mark May. I'm already blaming him for such vile acts as the Makers Mark fiasco, the reason the tower in Pisa leans, Lou Holtz still having a job that assaults my ears with the crazed intensity of a thousand daggers, as well as North Korea's nuclear armaments. Yes, Mark May would be my prime target for this covert op via IP address. Perfect.

Well, either him or noted pop artist and casual sitar instrumentalist George Harrison. But he's dead so that would probably just make me look like an asshole.

Step Two
Wait. A while. Like at least until next Wednesday when there's nothing on tv but Duck Dynasty, cuz we all know everyone tweets their asses off during Duck Dynasty because Si actually runs his twitter and will one day respond to their message - "You're so funny Si. I'm a big fan man! (PS - please RT!!)" 

Step Three
Find my twitter enabled device underneath stray pieces of popcorn, Cheez Puff curl dust, IBC root beer bottles and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Power it up and open up the Tweetbot application conveniently downloaded and displayed on my iPhone's first page right beside Shazam! - which is still the smart phone app that blows me away the most. I mean how in the name of all things Mayberry does it take a snippet of Cathedral, instrumental track #3 on Van Halen's Diver Down, send it to some "Name that Tune" server out in Silicon Valley where George DeWitt (who I am fairly certain is dead,  at least that's what they had us to believe) types out the answer into some Lost 1960's style computer before sending it back to my phone where the screen refreshes and not only tells me what exactly I'm listening to, but who it is, when it was recorded and gives links to share this miracle as well as purchase the song on iTunes? Wow.

But I digress...

Step Four
Carefully type out the following message to my follower:

Can't believe Mark May was seen in a Dallas Cowboys t-shirt handing out 
condoms at a Justin Bieber concert y'all! #BeaverFiebers

Step Five
While waiting on the potential and downright possible fact to go viral, it is imperative to begin constructing response tweets to people that will surely question the proclamation's validity. I'm certain Schlabach will ask me for a source and Deadspin will be all jealous and say something like "Pic or it didn't happen Bernie." And then someone at the AJC, maybe Carvell but probably Bradley, will say something about it was likely actually a One Direction concert since they are actually playing in a city that is actually near where Mark May actually lives. You know, because they're actually journalists and can actually fact check at the same time they actually drop a deuce. Or maybe Clay Travis with his eternal hard on for being the sports entertainment industry's biggest douchebag will point out that Bieber doesn't even have a scheduled concert that night.
"Well done Bernie. Nicely played." (via)

What a whiny bitch. Whatever. Doesn't matter. All I need is someone with a shit-ton of followers (preferably Alyssa Milano, but I can't say for sure if she even knows who Mark May is...or maybe a pseudo morning tv star like Al Roker if he's even on twitter...or just one of May's ESPN colleagues - like Van Pelt or even Rece Davis - eager to defend their compadre while also laughing their ass off that they've indirectly publicized this mess to the entire world - high five!) to tweet me a question or comment or some vitriol laced with venom and then I'm set.

Step Six
Cue up some Little Guitars on my tune player app thing which is right beside Shazam!, crank it up (but not so loud that the wife wakes up) and watch the brilliance unfold with Kate, Chrissy and Hannah at my side. Yes! Watch the hunnerds of dollar bill$ roll in while people like ^finger quotes^ Muggsy in Morning ^/finger quotes^ and Maury Povich line up to interview me and show the ENTIRE WORLD my blog site!!! HAHAHAHAhahahahaHA!

Take that Mark effin' May! How ya like me now bitch?

Step Seven
Learn to play the ukulele like a normal person.