Friday, April 26, 2013

Friday Misery - scheduling Spurrier's menstrual cycle

Quick calendar check to start things off today....whoa, still 486 days weeks years until football starts. Hope my liver survives that long. (pours another drink...opens iPad's internet webbing app...sees coaches are menstruating over schedules...again...)

Ok, so the SEC has teams that can play tackle football even better than Reese Witherspoon can operate a Ford Focus' door handle with a blood-alcohol content of roughly six white wine spritzers. But some of these same teams have coaches whose panties get wadded up at the mere mention of having to play anyone other than Tennessee or Auburn. I'm certainly no Slive apologist, but that guy gets blamed for pissing in kool-aid more often than the Pope wears a funny hat.

Uh oh. Stevie...can I get a Kotex from ya hon?
On the one hand, I understand. No one really and truly wants to line up against Alabama. Sure, I can talk a big game about it and the Georgia BY GOD! Bulldogs can back that shit up for fifty nine minutes and fifty five seconds. But given the choice, most would rather their teams play in Starkville or Lexington. They’d even prefer to get bent over a raging pot of jambalaya by a swamp festered troglodyte in the Red Stick over sixty minutes of Saban’s tiny little feet prancing around on the opposing sideline.

Also, it’s become common knowledge that if you win the SEC your reward is likely a consolation game in a very warm clime.

“Gimme the easy road Commish!”
“Let a computer figure it out Slive!”
“Georgia gets to play Ole Miss and we have to try and beat LSU. Waaaahhh!”
“Oh crap, I think I’m bloated again.”

On the other hand, you know who doesn’t need a tampon and a bitch session to look over his team’s schedule? Mark Richt. Granted, he learned long ago not to complain about where and when games are played; he seems much more content in Jacksonville these days. But he takes what he’s given and goes on about his business of being more of a coach and less of a Franklin Covey sales associate.

“God bless y’all! Someone tweet some glory to God.”
“Can’t wait to sloppy kiss Kathryn in Jax again!! Go Dawgs!”
“Sure hope we can keep Georgia Tech on the schedule. Oops. Think I just butt dialed a recruit. Gosh darnit! Sorry ‘bout that Commish.”

Look. I’d love to be able to play as many SEC teams as possible. Only getting to Oxford once in a blue moon would really make this Dawg grumpy. Not being able to see Gurley stiff arm an Aggie to the dirt during his career would really suck. And yes, not getting a chance to visit the Tuscaloosa Updykes every so often would be a shame as well.

But I’m not going to get all crampy over it. This is football ladies. If your string is showing, you need to put the calendar down. Because you’re making me wish the Mayans were right.