Friday, September 13, 2013

Weekend predictions - Johnny Cam vs. Bear Saban's Dorito's

For Bear Bryant's 100th birthday, CBS posthumously gave Johnny Shitball a video camera taped to his helmet. As if the coach born before Nintendo and television altogether would even remotely appreciate it. (You see what I did there.)

Feeling mounting social pressure and a need to fit in, Yahoo! Sports gave the coach (and his most recent predecessor) salacious rumors of paid amateurs and potential sanctions.

This pissed Nick Saban off so entirely that he consumed Pat Forde's soul and then "gray-shirted an intern". Which we believe is a euphemism for beat the shit out of a kid whose name escaped him.

Mr. Rogers, while listening to Finebaum.
Anyway, all that to say, I've felt for quite some time  that Alabama was going to kick the ever loving cow patties out of the Aggies. Saban's Tide is 7-1 against teams that have previously beaten them. Ironically, they're 4-0 against average students with access to campus vending machines. But I've never been to College Station and I'm not sure what the local access to snacks is like. Still, I feel good and trending towards great that Bama will exact some measure of revenge on Sumlin's Aggies for ruining their perfect season in 2012. Not to mention the fact that Manziel eclipsed Saban this off season on Forbes' 200 most influential, affluent and short white men.

The Crimson Tide will effectively neutralize A&M's high powered and overrated offense with a ground attack to date unseen in the Lonestar state. Manziel grows more and more frustrated, throws a pick and then hops in Drake's jet to attend a frat party at Cal-Berkeley.

Bama is hungrier, snacks heartily, and wins by 17. Maybe more.

  • Ducks cruise past the bUTtchuggers. Late in the third quarter and trailing 70-2, bUTch Jones forfeits claiming his entire team has heat exhaustion.
  • Longhorn fans enter the stadium laughing at the result from College Station, but Ole Miss proves the tears in Texas are always bigger in Austin. By Tuesday Mack Brown has purged any and all Mormons from Mississippi from the roster. Not sure why it takes that long, but there you go.
  • South Carolina puts the Commodores in an 0-2 SEC hole without covering the spread. Ron Morris completes an article Tips for September Gardening before halftime.
  • Louisville continues the trend of ACC teams (past, present and future) beating SEC teams. But Kentucky gives them a scare when they pose little to no defense against the run in an attempt to derail Bridgwater's Heisman campaign. Muahahahaha!!
  • Arkansas wins, but the headlines on Sunday are centered on the continued suspension of the t-shirt cannon. 
  • Georgia Tech rolls up 503 yards rushing on Duke, wins by a field goal.
  • Southern Cal's head coach Lane Kiffin escapes...a barrage of insults and recycled water bottles after Boston College wins 3-2.
  • An Auburn grad opens for business at halftime as a hapless Dan Mullen "coached" squad leads by two touchdowns. Then turns it back over to GoDaddy when the WarTiglesmen win on a last second field goal.
  • The Bruins beat the Cornhuskers. (chirp...chirp...
  • And shortly before I pass out the Cal Bears, perhaps inspired by a late arriving Johnny Manziel, upend the Buckeyes season. Urban begins the process of feeling rundown again.
Er'body rub your fingers together and get crunk!

** Use predictions at your own risk. Any winnings can be hidden from the wife by paying it forward to Bernie. Any losses should be found at the bottom of your glass.