Friday, October 11, 2013

Friday Misery - the legend of Gary Robin Tinkel

From Bleakipedia:
Despite having a girl's name, Gary Robin Tinkel is an American football coach and part-time drunk. He has escaped unemployment both easily and miraculously at the same time since being hired by the University of Missouri in 2001. He has also pissed away jobs as a fry cook (twice), coach and burrito food truck entrepreneur in Toledo, which is both a city and a university. Before upgrading to cognac as his drink of choice, he slammed cheap beer as a recreational hobby while an assistant in Washington, which is the captial of our democratic goverment [redacted by your local congressman], a state in the northwest, and a university.
Early Years - Tickel was born on tapioca day at the local Akron hospital. Throughout his primary education experience he maintained a solid C average and ate a peanut butter and orange marmalade sandwich for lunch. Every day. All of them. He lived with his family on Erie Lake Lane in a modest house on land derelict of any trees, yet under constant shade. Weird.
While in college at Kent State, Tinkel laid all kinds of women with low self-esteem and suspect eating habits while sharing bedrooms with the likes of Nick Saban, Jack Lambert and the actor that portrayed Snuffeupagus on Sesame Street. He also received his first ever grade of B in "English 102", but it was widely speculated he had copied an essay on the desegregation of the South from the football team's third string tight end. The case went before a student judiciary committee for review, but was thrown out when it was confirmed that Tinkel himself was the third string tight end.
Red red wine make you feel so fine.
Another strange anecdote from Tinkel's days at Kent State includes a squirrel, a six pack of Rolling Rock, a block of Velveeta cheese, and LeBron James' grandfather. During a trial involving his tempestuous relationship with Chrissy Hynde all evidence of the fat, drunk, and confused squirrel in the pants of LeBron James' grandfather was sealed by Hon. Judge Reginald James III, LeBron's great uncle. A month later Tinkel received his bachelor's degree in inconsequential physics with a minor in processed cheese, both canned and otherwise packaged.
Coaching Career - Tinkel brought the MACdaddy back to the ACTion in middle American tackle football. He did this with three parts false bravado, two parts Pepe Lopez tequila and a generous dash of Aqua Velva. He walked away from Toledo (both the city and the University) having added one conference championship, three western division titles, and four under the table DUIs. "I havth had many sutcthesses herrrrre at ToLEEEdo. Not the leesh of whitch is being able to walk a yellows line after Takeeya Toosdays," Tickel proclaimed in his now infamous closing press conference, just before mistakenly boarding a Greyhound bus bound for Syracuse NY.
But eventually he stumbled his way into the midwest and it was in Columbia, Missouri that Tinkel really started to come into his own, both as a coach and a slurrer of speech. In Columbia he's compiled an impressive record that has made him the second winningest coach in Mizzou history, a feat that is sure to stand for probably a whole decade. Entering the 2013 season Tinkel has even more SEC wins (2) as he does BIG 12 titles (0). Additionally, he hosts a weekly podcast from his basement where he drinks Courvoisier while reading Hemingway against a backdrop loop of the "Big M of the Midwest" playing the Tigers' fight song.
Personal - Stammering his way through the tricky chorus of "HIT IT! HOORAY! HURRAH!" and picking up wins against average college football teams isn't all Tinkel has been able to accomplish during his tenure at the University of Missouri. He's also an accomplished drinker of red wine, skilled at having dinner with friends, proficient at forgetting a good third of the alphabet during a field sobriety test, pleading guilty to these offenses, and surrendering large portions of his salary. Just last year he added significantly to his resume by impregnating a younger woman out of wedlock and divorcing one within it. All of this while managing to keep both his team and podcast afloat.
In other words, Gary Robin Tinkel is the midwest's twenty-third most interesting man. 
From Wikipedia:
Mark Richt - Awesome dude.
The point of all that you ask? Tomorrow on one sideline you'll have a man still chasing his own demons. On the other...a Grown Man Football Coach that'll chew your ass up and then throw a benji with your name marked on it in the collection plate the next morning.

Tigers..."show me" your cute stripes...
Missouri is the "Show Me" state. And while we're at the part of the post where we address relatively obscure facts, remember that their college tackle football team is also an actual SEC tackle football team now. This isn't the back end of a home and home. It's a get there early and hunker down SEC East showdown. Georgia might be in the driver's seat for the East title this early, but Pinkel is reaching for the steering wheel. And we've just addressed what happens when he drives.

I haven't written much this week about prepping for these Tigers. I intended to because this REALLY IS a big game. They haven't played anybody except for Sisters of the Poor and Vanderbilt. And their defense is circumspect to say the least. However, their offense is quite dangerous and should've been given more attention in the days leading up to this week's kickoff. I apologize for not adding the necessary weight to this contest. I will punish myself with bourbon, profusely and aggressively.

On the other hand, they're still paper tigers that are just begging to be punched in the mouth. Once that happens they'll be exposed again as a johnny come lately wannabe legitimate SEC contender pretender.

Look, just do your part. Be even LOUDer than you are PROUD. Raise up the code RED and they'll show their cute stripes before they turn tail and run. Jenkins with VELOCIRAPT their ass. JJ Green will name his number. Murray will do Murray type things as cool as the other side of the pillow. Richt will tell an official he'll pray for his sorry effin' ass in church Sunday. Marshall Morgan will boot a kickoff through the uprights and the back judges will confusingly raise their arms and award Georgia four points. Scott Howard will give Eric Zeier a fistbump. 'Marlo Herrera will devastate a little running back on a draw play causing a fumble. Mrs. Bernie will punch me in the chest and scream "BOO-YAH!!". Quayvon Hicks will slap a bitch down trying to come and block a punt. Jay Rome hurdles TWO safeties after catching a seam route for six. Stadium cups will be refilled and GEORGIA DAMN BULLDOGS WILL JUST GO ON ABOUT THE BUSINESS OF BEING GEORGIA DAMN BULLDOGS!!

And Pinkel will Tinkel his pants.

Hunker down y'all. See ya in Athens.