Friday, August 15, 2014

Friday Misery - Nine and a half questions with Paul Finebaum

Not sure why, but this kinda stuck in my craw the other day.
Slow your roll Charlotte. We've been here since 1932. And actually, the following year the 21st Amendment repealed the most vile and disgusting legislation ever enacted by a congressional body. That's no coincidence. Just facts.

Which is why I'm glad a certain radio personality who parlayed Nick Saban's success into semi-stardom agreed to sit down with me and get to know the SEC landscape a little better. Many thanks to Seagram's Ginger Ale, ESPN, Mike Slive, The Poulan Weedeater Bowl, Old Crow Reserve, and DirecTV channel 611 for sponsoring this momentous interview.

Bernie and his Glass of bourbon: Thansss for joining me Peter. How ya like Shhharrrlotte?
Paul Finebaum: Wait. Why aren't you wearing any pants?

BahGoB: (whispers, sort ofI know you're new here, but see, how this works is I asss the quesssions there Kewpie. OK! So. Let's start with something basic. Who ordered the Code Water Hose?
PF: I don't, ah...,I don't have the faintest idea what you are talking about. But please put on some shorts at least.

BahGoB: Shuddup Phil! What good is a network on the SEC if we don get any insider information?
PF: I think you have the wrong idea here, ah.. Bernie is it?

BahGoB: STFU Donnie! I'M ASKING THE GODDAMN QUESTIONS!! (straightens tie) Now....If you were still selling pot out of high school parking lots back in 1986, well then, did you at least bring a trasncripp of the Eric Ramsey tapes?
Kewpie: Can we talk about....I mean, no more questions...uhm, I would prefer to talk about something having to do with this upcoming season.

BahGoB: (quickly, and with a generous amount of spittle) Missouri, for real?
PF: Well, I think Missouri is really lucky to miss Alabam... 

BahGoB: Stop right there Francis. Do you ever take a break from stroking Saban's....hairs?
PF: Please. I don't understand what you want or what I'm doing here. Where's Dari? Where's Tim?

BahGoB: Ahah! So Tebow has the tapes and Nowkah ordered the hoses?!?
PF: No. (pulls out phone and starts dialing)

BahGob: Whooya booty calling Paul?
PF: ...Hey. Danny? I need to arrange a pickup.

BahGob: Sheridan?!? He's the gotdamn Bagman?!?
PF: Yes. Tell Tammy the charade is up. "The spider is through the upright." She'll...yeh, she'll know what that means. Now. NOOOOWWWWW!!!

BahGoB: "The spider is through the upright" that code for springin' Harvey Updi...?

Poof. He was gone. Like a usual gimpy suspect. Like a Herschel Walker tear away jersey. Like the brain matter from Jules' backseat once The Wolf was called. Like Phillip Fulmer at the 2004 SEC Media Days.

And like a florida fan's 2013 swagger.