Monday, August 11, 2014

Monday's Meatloaf - No, it wasn't Quincy Carter's Lexus.

(What follows is a true story. One with various levels of embellishment.)

It seemed like any normal non-college football Saturday. It started with some lazy iPad surfing and a cup of coffee, then promptly transitioned into work around the house. The wife has really ratcheted up the "Can do!" spirit and itemized the honey-better-do-it-now list. There are many benefits to marrying a woman that knows how to watch college football. Not having to explain illegal shifts is one of the bigger ones of course. Another is a profound understanding of the importance of rotational depth. But the other side of that coin is that she also knows how many weekends are left before the hubby's DIY network is cut off until some time in January.

"Crikey! I do say, Bernie's to do list is massive!"
We started with some basic carpentry work. The kids sanded and prepped feverishly while I made the necessary measurements and cuts. The blade was spinning powerfully. Much like an eager Quayvon Hicks running downhill looking for more contact. I patted myself on the back for remembering to recharge the drill's battery the night before and I should also add that safety goggles were used when necessary. Well, sometimes.

But late in the afternoon there arose a need to return to the Home Depot and I quickly volunteered. You see, I find it's important to lead by example. Sometimes that means measuring twice so that you're sure. Other times it means admitting you're tired and are just looking for a chance to soak up some A/C in the car. So I grabbed the keys and said I would be happy to run the errand, but with the stipulation that I would also be stopping by Kroger for some ginger ale to mix into my bourbon a little later on. After all, if there are just a couple more weekends to get these projects done, there's also just a couple more to prime the liver keep the liver primed.

So I struck out to reinforce the wood screw supply, with no idea I would soon be saving some stranger's life.

Today's Ingredients
- Emerson found a better, stronger and more confident John Theus.
- Blutarsky recaps the Saturday scrimmage.
- Speaking of the scrimmage, Andrew takes the stats and reworks the running back depth chart then awards Jordan Jenkins the Heisman.
- Is anyone else both excited and concerned with all the Isaiah McKenzie special teams awesome talk?
- He may find himself depressive at times, but Tyler sounds pretty pumped about the new H-back role in Bobo's offense.
- Weiszer remembers Bob Taylor who passed away last week.
MaconDawg wonders if the UGA recruiting momentum can continue this week.
- Champ is apparently sidelined with an injury and in danger of getting cut by the Saints.
- This may be a bit of a shock, but Corbindawg found a former Urban Meyer player that is still acting the fool.
- In more recent gator news, Krisi found their most current record on grand display.
- Tickets have been mailed. If you need any more, check out the new page at the top featuring ticket deals from Ticket Monster. Guaranteed and no fees!
- Lastly....Aight yu lil shitheads. Get out yurrr bookss (HICCUP!) an read untul tha bell ringsssszzthss (passes out).

The call for help broke through the summer air in the Kroger parking lot like yet another Gamecock defender catching an errant Quincy Carter throw. And just as Donnan's offense was relieved yet again of the burden of possessing the ball, I was relieved of the burden of minding my own business.

"Please, PLEASE someone help me! The car won't start!"

When you're used to fighting crime, sinking screws, blogging blogs, and solving mysteries, the first Please is all that's needed to grab your attention. But the second one's emphasis is what drives great men to swift action. And what I found on this warm August afternoon was an elderly woman screaming at the driver side door of a luxuriously equipped Lexus. I quickly surmised that her car wouldn't start.

Although I would prove her to be a liar exclamation to be erroneous and that the sedan, complete with leather seating plus dual temperature settings, would in fact start, I must first commend her for her bravery. Although I approached her with a calming smile, my deodorant had long given out hope of surviving the day's chore list and my vintage Georgia t-shirt circa 1998 was the first victim. As my grandmother would say, I smelled to High Heaven.
"Whoa! Did you see what he did?!?"

As my odoriferous threads did battle with the pine scented air freshener dangling from the rear view mirror, readily equipped with OnStar and backup camera display , I quickly noticed the car was "parked" in "Drive". Such a conundrum would send mere mortals' heads into a disastrous tailspin. But when you're a hotshot blogger such riddles are commonplace, so I eased my right foot onto the brake, slid the gear shift thingamabob into "Park", and turned the key.

The car started. Her milk would not spoil y'all.

Proud of my quick diagnosis and workable solution (plus eager to relieve the dangly air freshener of the beating it was taking), I exited the vehicle with finger guns blazing to the boisterous applause of nearly ten other grocery shoppers. The elderly woman pinched her nose with one hand and lifted me up onto the mob's shoulders with the other. The sun burst through the clouds. I'm pretty sure I saw a dude allow a lady in front of him in the gas pump queue. The Redbox machine worked flawlessly for the rest of the day. Bruised produce regained their ripeness. The manager gave out double fuel points. The embedded Starbucks lowered the price of a cup of coffee to just $7.99 for the next hour.

Most importantly, after the celebration ended and I had a chance to hug the lady before she drove away, as I checked out with my Kroger Plus card, the Seagram's Ginger Ale was just one dollar. Now, where'd I leave my wallet?

Do something heroic today Reader. But first, here's a napkin. Don't want to stain that cape!