Monday, September 8, 2014

Gamecocks: women prison guards eating toxic clams with horsey sauce

Dear Coach Richt,

Please feel free to use any/all of this to get this week off on the right foot. 

You're welcome.


  • Steve Piece of Shit Spurrier once played tackle football for Florida. 
  • Oh, you need more? Ok.
  • He once elbowed a handicapped kid out of the lunch line on tater tots day. 
  • That was in 1st grade. And on the second day of school.
  • Sandstorm is the official pump up the jam song of ISIS.
  • Gamecock fans are a lot like bad clams: soft and full of toxicity.
  • Gamecock fans don't know where their campus is because that's not where the stadium is and most of them couldn't even spell C-O-L-L-E-G-E  A-P-P-L-I-C-A-T-I-O-N.
  • Their struggle is actually, and literally, real. Very.
  • Back to Spurrier, I wouldn't throw water on him if he were waist deep in eternal flames (which I imagine happens often when you live at the gates of Hell, aka Columbia SC).  
  • I don't eat at Arby's, but if I knew I had a chance to meet him there I would go just to punch him in the ol' ball sack and squirt horsey sauce in his goddamn eyeball.
  • Mike Davis texted me last week that he thinks Marlo Herrera tackles like Ms. Armentrout, his third grade teacher.
  • Also, Coach Lorenzo Ward emailed me yesterday to say that Todd Gurley "aspires to be a punk ass bitch, as punk ass bitches are the only ones who can't break 300 all purpose on clemssun."
  • Two years ago there was a gathering of Georgia fans that stayed until the end. The feeling was - You kick our team's teeth in, we're gonna stay to take our lumps too. Because one day, the victory will be that much sweeter having sat through the most excruciating 60 minutes of football ever in this lopsided series. Ever.
  • Yes, one of those fans was me. 
  • (And "lopsided" is actually an understatement.)
  • We didn't have tires on our cars when we got back to the tailgate. Because Williams-Brice was evidently the name for some progressive chick that loved chain link fences, dilapidated warehouses and putting her husband's name last.
  • In 2000, Georgia went to Columbia thinking they were all that and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. The coach had previously "GuaranDamnTeed" a conference banner. The Gamecocks ate our lunch, our dinner and then henpecked our ass all the way to Augusta just for good measure.
  • Oh, perhaps I should mention, that was the first time in nearly two seasons the Gamecocks had won an SEC game.
  • "SC fans are like humorless prison guards at a minimum security women's prison. They act tough but really aren't that scary." - via PWD
  • "Sakerlina fans are a lot like wet farts. Kinda funny at first but then DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT STANK." via BulldogBry
  • Gamecock fans are a lot like Halley's Comet. Bright and shiny ever so often. But flame out before things really get interesting. 
  • Then forgotten for another seventy or so years.
  • Also, Gamecock fans can't spell Halley's. And they think "Comet" is some kind of chain of gas stations, probably in and around New York City.
  • They think NYC is somewhere in Canadia.
  • Spurrier has 200 wins. Vince Dooley retired with 201. Lose Saturday and you're just another failed Quincy Carter Heisman Campaign. Just another undigested corn kernel at the bottom of a steaming pile of chicken shit.
  • And of course, Penithball. Because...well, because they're all pretty much just a bag of cocks.