Friday, October 10, 2014

Friday Misery - the #WildHONKEY and the Pinkel

[sips on a cocktail]
[writes post leaning heavily on the best football player in the nation]
[phone blows up]
[best football player in nation suspended indefinitely]
[chugs entire liquor cabinet while holding down DELETE button]
[repositions fingers over keyboard...]

We can't have anything nice. Not ONE gotdamn thing. People are telling you "Well we weren't going to win many games anyway so we might as well start towards 2015." And they're full of shit. Others are telling you "Well, Georgia's just snakebit and full of rotten luck. Was bound to happen this way, honestly." Bullshit. Luck is for losers and gray-haired ladies sitting at the nickel slots.

If I'm Coach Richt I'm dragging 70 tackle footballers out west, sitting their ass down in the locker room, staring them in the face, and saying "You've heard for two months how you're a one man team. Now's your time to prove you're more than that. We lost with Gurley on the sideline last year. You gonna lose again without him? Well, ARE YOU?!? Are you gonna lose to those guys again Jordan Jenkins? How 'bout you Conley? Swann? 

Now. Right now. NOW's the time to prove we can throw the goddamn football. NOW's the time to prove the Georgia Bulldogs are a team and not just a player on award watchlists and espn highlights and Lou Holtz's tricky tongue. Now get out there and get all medieval on their tiger-striped ass!"

But, I am not Coach Richt. I am just a Bernie. And I'm here to tell you that...

Maty doing a really shitty Johnny
Money Fingers impression.
Serve no whine before its time really pisses me off that the Missouri Eff'n Tigers won the division last year. IN THEIR SECOND GODDAMN SEASON! Are you kidding me? That actually happened? We actually and Honest to Herschel let that shit happen? 

A year and a half after sitting down, officially, at the big boys table, they're at the head slurring their speech while sloshing their zinfandel and drunkenly waving a turkey leg. Sure, there's Pinkel, face down in the macaroni pie with his chinos half-zipped muttering his way through the alphabet. Backwards. And there's Maty Mauk with his cute little name and his douchy halloween costume.

And not one...NOT ONE...Jarvis Jones in sight to bring the damn pain.

What pisses me off more than Missouri setting up shop in Atlanta? Glad you asked. Because it's me. It's you. It's us.

We all piss me off. Bitching, moaning, belly-aching, and whining about this and that. The secondary can't cover. My oatmeal is too hot. Hutson Mason threw two touchdown passes that Brice Ramsey should've been on the field for against Vanderbilt. We only beat Vanderbilt by 24 points because we suck and now Tech fans are saying hateful things to me at work. I think I have a planters wart on my foot and now my oatmeal is too cold.

Lighten up Francis and set your f---king jaw. Muck Fizzou....Okay. That's about enough. But before we close, here's one thing that is absolutely righteous. Take it away Gary:
'Cuz you know what Brendan Douglas always brings to games right? His truck motor and iron shoulder shivver. Let us pray...Dear Lord. Bless Mizzou's little heart. And help them make some damn sweet tea. Amen.