Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Hating Florida is our most important hobby, episode five

I saw a snapshot of the righteous rant below being shared on social media the other day. It rang very familiar, and sure enough it was part of Tyler's lead up to last year's installment of the WLOCP. I'll follow suit and share the grand finale below, but please click through to enjoy the full effect.
Get your heads right, Dawgnation, we have one week until it is good versus evil. Right vs. wrong. Our way vs. all that is unholy. Decently dressed vs. whatever the hell it is they try to pass off as clothing. Bourbon vs. 4Loko. REM vs. Sister Hazel. Herschel vs. Douche 3:16. Red and black vs. orange and blue. Coke vs. Pepsi. BBQ vs. barbecuing. 

Really, it is a battle for the very soul of America.
And all that got me to thinking...

You can't do the gator chomp and be 100% American. Maybe you can stretch it up over 60% or so. But never, ever completely there.

You can't wear jorts and pee standing up.

You can't block your own teammate and have an IQ above 59.

You can't be a florida fan and recall any facts relevant to college football prior to 1990.

You can't wear a scripted helmet and tackle DickSamIV.

You can't admire Steven Orr Spurrier and also gain entrance into Heaven. (choose wisely)

You can't have a daughter with legs the size of California Redwoods AND keep her off the pole.