Friday, October 9, 2015

Friday Misery - the one where Dawg fans don't drink whine

ATTN: the weekend's hashtag is.......(drumroll....)..... ......  ...........#JazzHandsOnCheckerboard

Don't get your panties in a wad now, but I'm sitting this one out. For those of you who are going, be sure to pay attention during pregame when they retire Derek Dooley's pants. Surprised it didn't take them longer to get the shit stains out.

And I'm also hearing they'll commemorate the signature win loss of the Butch Jones Era at halftime by retiring the official "Butch Please 2-pt Conversion Chart". Not sure why the chart is laminated, or that there's even a chart at all since the only words on it are "Go for won. #brickbybrick".

If your mind wanders though, take some time to ponder this - what the hell is up with Tennessee quarterbacks and their expansive foreheads?

On today’s episode of wOrD PLaY!!..
If you rearrange the letters in the phrase “ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top” you get “Wendy’s drive-thru pulled pork sammich”.

Butch might be slang for “rugged manhood” but it is also Latin for “fake juice fail”.

A Prius in Knoxville = getaway car. Add a BB gun on the floorboard = #ThugLyfe

Pig Howard spelled backward is “we’ll miss the speed with which you fumble through our endzone”. Or if you prefer acronyms - TTFNPIG.

Put the name Jancek or Willie in a wordfind and they’ll always fall to the bottom. Diagonal. And backwards.
-Christmas present DOES or DOES NOT = giving your daughter a hickie? (think hard y'all)
-Heinz IS or IS NOT a barbeque sauce?
-See Dick run. See Jane run. See Sean Jones scoop and score!
-Bill Bates is to Herschel as a horsefly is to ________________.
A. steamroller B. windshield
C. WWII era M18 Hellcat tank D. All of the things that kick a horsefly's ass

Sometimes I swear we snuck into some Knoxville frat house and drank up their shelves of boxed fermented grapes.

"My shoe is untied."
"They shoulda left Lambert in."
"I'm hungry."
"I'm tired of losing big games."
"Why can't we beat Alabama? I hate that you guys. I REALLY hate that."
"This rain is really getting me all wet."
"They shoulda put Ramsey in sooner."
"My sweet tea is too sweet."
"Oh Look! They're doing that dancing thing!"

We've become a DawgNation of whiners - "I don't like the way Coach Richt walks." We bitch and moan about every little thing - "Did you notice they don't play any songs from before 1972 over that loudspeaker. It's all new age crap." We spend an abundance of energy trying to find something unique to complain about - "If Lambert would lace his right cleat a little tighter the ball would be easier to grip. 'Specially in the rain."

"Oh LOOK! A squirrel!" - chases squirrel around yard until dizzy, passes out, wakes up with leaves in mouth, eventually remembers his Dawgvent password, logs back in


I don't mind (and even understand) the frustration. But we need to have a solution or two for every time our lips part ways with some whiny ass thought. We need to offer some idea, some small notion as to how the situation could be improved. We need to change our underwear y'all.

If you don't like the quarterback depth chart, start a petition to have four more years of eligibility. Then start another one that forbids players from entering the NFL draft until they're 25. That way Aaron Murray would be in his third senior season. (Hey Honey...check my math on that.)

If you don't like burnt toast, adjust your toaster's settings. 
"Brick by brick and box by box. Rocky Top!"

If you don't like having a sore ass, either stop shoving a funnel up there or move to Knoxville.

If you're so hung up on losing a game that you haven't worn deodorant all week and you've forgotten your kids' names, maybe now's a good time to take up candle making. If you're so pissed off at the world that you'd "BOO!!" you're own damn team, it's time you got fitted for that straight jacket or move on to a team that plays on Sundays.

We talk too much about history. (OH&BTW, that's something I warned about last Friday AHEM!). We need to live in the NOW. We need to pay attention to the road in front of us before we run right into a HillBilly Hoedown and get our nose broke. We need to take our eyes off the rear view mirror before Bama beats us twice.

We need to be some goddamn Georgia fans and not a bunch of sissies that can't keep from picking the Fruit of the Looms out from our crack. Tennessee stands before us slack-jawwed and droopy-eyed. Punch em right square in the mouth and watch them crumple into a pile of brick dust.

THAT is the task at hand. THAT is what WE do. Don't wait for them to blow another lead. We don't need other teams' blueprint because we brought our own gotdamn blueprint - let Floyd loose and run Chubb all damn day!

Folks on rocky top "get their corn from a jar". But tomorrow they get their ass handed to them on a silver platter.

Please bow your heads...dear Lord, the Baby Jesus, and Larry Munson, please let Keith Marshall run free. And don't let Josh Dobbs' ugly rub off on 'Zo Carter when he gets all those sacks tomorrow. Go Dawgs!