Saturday, October 1, 2016

The ONE key to victory



We don't have to dominate the line of scrimmage, we just have to own it at 51%. Make our hay in the fourth quarter when it really counts.

We just can't come out and wait for the game to come to us.

Seize it! Own it!

Attack the day!

Go Dawgs!

Friday, September 30, 2016

Friday Misery - Lulu and Junior and Catherine the Average

Had this Misery circled on the calendar ever since October 10th, 2015 at about 3:34pm. I've waited that long to see someone exact some measure of revenge. Someone who is about the humblest, most talented running back my kids have ever seen. Someone who worked his ass off to get back..not for this game tomorrow, but for the earliest game he could (in)humanly possibly play in.

I desperately want to see Nick Chubb run over tackle footballers in orange tomorrow. I desperately want to see 27 put his team on his shoulders and cure cancer on the way to the endzone for the game winning touchdown as the sun sets and the Middle East finds peace.

My heart wants that. My heart needs that.

But we don't win this thing tomorrow with what my heart wants. We don't become a better blocking and tackling football team with what my heart needs. We don't beat the Volunteers based on romanticized ideals.

We beat them only by earning it. Now buckle your damn chin strap son. Ole Miss was five days, 14 hours, and one minute ago. You gonna let them beat you twice?

Bitch please.

Lulu the Great
The easiest way to understand the abject simplicity with which the UTKnoxville HillBillys live is to really listen closely to the “lyrics” of their “fight” song.

A couple years ago I gave you a picture of what Honest Abe and his dear wife Mary saw as he toured the post-Civil War South and traveled through the Tennessee hills. Today I think we need to go back even further to the very beginning.

Yes, back to the Adam and Eve of HillBillys - Junior and Lulu.

I'm pretty sure Lulu is the one on the left.
“Down” in the Tennessee hills, Junior once had a girl on Rocky Top. According to local legend, she was half bear and the other half was a cat. (Yes, you read that right.) And together they commenced to a level of advanced husbandry no one has, or ever will (hopefully) match.

Catherine the Great, according to rumors, died trying under the weight of a horse.

Catherine the Great evidently was neither half bear nor half cat. (may she rest in peace)

The Butch and Dobbs' lovechild.
Most civilizations entrenched in the practice of incest and animal seduction die out as a victim of their their unGodly nature. Somehow “corn from a jar” has sustained these hillbilly deviants to the point where their tree of life ain’t seen a branch since the day Lulu dropped that spork into an empty can of beans, farted and then Junior felt his Wranglers rise to attention.


Hey hoss, you can’t crush faces with a box of kleenex
Can you imagine…”We just threw a box of tissue and got snot on their nose...we just snotted their face!!”

Ugh. We’re all like:

“Chubb may not play.”
“We can’t put no pressure on anybody.”
“We couldn’t block a no parking zone with a semi truck and a herd of buffaloes.”
“I have a real, real sad and college football won’t make me happy no more.”
“I burnt my tater tots yesterday and momma won't go back to the store!”
The thing about humiliating losses like last Saturday is that they tend to beat the fanbase more than once. Hell, some of y’all done gave up on the entire season! And some more have already started the next coaching search!

Lord A’mighty! What in the name of all things Holy! Look, it’s one thing to get caught with your drawers down. You’re embarrassed and ashamed and oh no Chad Kelly just threw another touchdown pass 187 yards downfield while side-stepping a dozen rabid black bears! But it’s another thing altogether to get caught with your pants down with one arm around ol’ man Cooter’s goat and the other cradling a box of Franzia.

Get hungry BIG DAWG!
We’re GEORGIA goddammit! WAKE the F up! You don’t shit the bed and spend the rest of the season wallowing in it. You stand up and clean yourself off. You grab a mop and get back down to basics. You GET YOUR ASS DOWN IN A THREE POINT STANCE BY THE MAILBOX AND WAIT FOR THAT BASTARD MAILMAN TO COME AROUND JUST TO GET ONE MORE REP IN!

We’re 3-1! THREE and one! Did you wait around all offseason to get shit-faced wasted on your own self-pity? Was it over when Casey Clausen hit Travis Stephens on the screen? No!


So put down your sloppy box of tissues and strap on them boots. The first act is over, so tomorrow begins the second stanza and I’m damn sure not tuning up for some gotdamn song about non-existent animals and strangers that disappear into smoggy smoke.

I told y’all at the beginning of the week this one was different. I NEED to know y’all care. I HAVE to know you have the INTESTINAL FORTITUDE of Damien Gary and Verron Haynes combined. I’ve GOT to know you want this one more than your next breath, because just as Butchie and his boys aren’t coming to town in a Prius with a BB gun in the floorboard, we ain’t planning on sniffling like a bunch fancy pants’d sissies before the coin toss.

Brick by brick...F that. Attack the GOTdamn day and let's beat these tourdefranzia assholes!

Now, please bow your heads...dear Lord, please let their band get a flat tire and also help us make Josh Dobbs over work his deoderant. Blessed! Jazz Hands! Go Dawgs!

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Tennessee - early thoughts

I'm not too concerned about Chubb, for two reasons. One, I think he'll be fine to play by Saturday. And two, truly running back depth is the least of our concerns. Sony, Holyfield, and Herrien all looked good against Ole Miss. I think Chaney will spread the carries between those three while limiting Chubb.

I'd also like to see us challenge the edge with toss sweeps and quick screens. Our talented backups at tailback are quick enough to mask some of our blocking woes, More so than Chubb is able to. Throw some screens in there and eventually Eason is going to have a lot of room to work with with his tight ends.

On defense Tucker should sell out to contain their run game. Force DeBord's hand into putting more of the load towards Dobbs' arm. Yesterday sUGArdaddy mentioned that we've most likely faced the best quarterbacks on our schedule. I'd also add that we've most likely faced the biggest, most talented receivers on the schedule as well. Josh Malone is dangerous and will get opportunities to make plays, but our secondary isn't going to be challenged as a whole like we were in Oxford.

Lastly, I hope the crowd really comes in with an understanding of the weight of this game. Sure, Butchie got his big signature win over the gators last week. But the pressure is still on them at this point. The crowd can be a major factor. If the fans can come in with the energy of 2013 LSU, one of the more recent times I've heard Sanford at its loudest, then it could be a really good night in Athens.

Go Dawgs y'all!

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

A HillBilly Haiku

Hooved rocky top Pig
Don’t you wear no Smoky Gray
Replay gon' getcha!

You're welcome.
Go Dawgs!

Affecting the quarterback

I don't know about you, but I read this quote...
“We want to affect the quarterback,” Smart said. “We don’t measure sacks. I know you guys (the media) measure sacks, but we measure affecting the quarterback, and we are not doing a good job of that. We want to disrupt him, get him out of the pocket, hit him [and] affect him on throws.” best I could through the eyes of a defensive coordinator turned head coach. I get what he's saying. And Smart is absolutely right about the fact that we are not doing a good job at that.

But damn I wish he'd've added "and knock Dobbs on his ass a few times" for good measure. 

It's seems that it's been an eternity 7. Hunker it down!

Monday, September 26, 2016

"No, we're actually better than I thought we'd be."

That's what I said to myself last night when I went back and looked at my preseason run through the schedule.
That means we are 2-1 (or maybe even 3-0) and feeling pretty good heading into Oxford. By now we should have a steady hand at quarterback. I’d be surprised if Eason isn’t the clear #1 at this point and the defensive roster should be bolstered somewhat given that the youth up front is a little more seasoned as well as the possible return of a couple athletic linemen in Jonathan Ledbetter and Julian Rochester.
To beat the Rebels (or whatever they are calling themselves this season) on the road after travelling all the way to Missouri for a night game the week before would be a big upset. But right now it looks like a tall task. I’d like to see this as another 11:00am local kick. That helped us in 2011 the last time we played in Oxford. You have to think this is the third best SEC matchup that weekend for television. Florida-Tenn will certainly get the prime spot and LSU-Auburn next. Which probably puts this one as an ESPN2 night game or an SECN 4:00pm kickoff.
We’ll see, but at best I see Georgia 3-1 and likely 2-2 heading into a major showdown against Tennessee at home the next week. This one is going to be a major tilt and is sure to be under the lights after a full tailgate! The Volunteers will be coming off a home game against Florida. At worst they should be 3-1 and if they can manage not to wet the bed again against the Gators they should come into Athens undefeated.
So that sounds about right. And while that may not make us feel better about the underlying issues that have been exposed the last three games, it does at least remind me that I knew we weren't going to be world beaters last month and that the sky isn't falling this morning.

The number one thing the coaches need to ask themselves is why they aren't communicating effectively, which has been apparent since halftime of the Nicholls game.

The number one thing the players need to ask themselves is are they are doing everything they can to get better.

The number one thing the fans need to ask themselves is have they done everything they can to hate Tennessee even more today.

Owning up.

Before my blood starts to boil too heavily. Before Butchie lays one more brick. Before the Dawgvent fires one more coach. I need to let y'all know that I won't be in Sanford for the season's biggest game Saturday. 

And I'm totally fine with it.

Parenthood calls as the oldest has a dress picked out for her first Homecoming dance. Once the game time was announced last week I entertained the idea of trying to be in two places at once, but the wife reminded me that I'm no longer superhuman, and that there's doubts I ever was. And I refuse to go for just a half and leave two empty seats without voices, ones that will no doubt be needed.

Why is this any of your business? Well, I've always went about this blogging thing with the idea that its voice would not come from the outskirts. I want its voice to come from the crowd! After all, just a few days after my first ever post at BerniesDawgBlawgDOTcom we traveled out to Tempe AZ and drank that town dry! Sure, there have been some times when I've missed home games and many times when I've missed away games, yet still wrote about them.'s just different.

Plus, I plan to tear Tenersee a new ass this week. And I want to come clean that I won't be there Saturday to walk the walk (this time), as it were and so to speak. These bastards still haven't stop laughing about Chubb's injury last year. They play cover up the crime more often than they shove funnels of boxed wine up their nether regions.

I hate tennessee. I will be here all week to let you know how much. I will be here everyday to help you intensify your own hillbilly loathing. I will give you your weekly dose of misery on Friday, filled to the brim with angst and anger towards these dumb ass inbreds with a fanciful bricklayer as their coach.

I just can't join you Saturday, because it fills my heart more to see my girl wear a corsage that I picked out for her.

Go Dawgs! And also, Go Dads!

Sunday, September 25, 2016

I dropped the Sunday Thoughts and then kicked them wide right

There's really nothing at all good to say about this game. It was bullshit. It was really, really bad. It was proof that Kirby doesn't have omniscient power to stave off these major duds where we just don't even get off the bus. It was Hugh Freeze lifting up a rock and exposing all of our insecurities. 

All of them.

Goddamn remember when we were so sexy put together elegant last week.

Okay, put everything aside. I know a lot of you jumped off the Kirbs' bandwagon yesterday after dropping a lit Bic on it and chunkin' deuces, but let's just hug some perspective real, real tight.

"It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get up."

A wise well endowed woman once said that after trying to impress YouTube viewers as she rode a grocery cart on it's awkwardly slim handle.

The coaches have to get this team off the mat this week. Because they are down. And I mean DOWN! They're whatever a turtle looks like if it doesn't have its shell. I mean, they have no pants. Hugh Freeze bought all of their pants, lit them on fire, and then prayed for us.

What an asshole.

The only thing that matters now is beating Tennessee. If we know now that we're not a great team, we also know that those hillbillies aren't either. And they're coming to our house.

So let's tidy up the foyer Coach Chaney. Fold your laundry up Coach Rocker. Stop pissing on the tile around the toilet Coach Tucker.

And Hey Kirbs, don't wait until the end of the first quarter to read my blog. Why you like to kick so much bro?

Enough of all that. Look, the message is clear: don't give up on this team and let's all come together to beat these inbred, prius driving, boxed franzia in the anus dumbasses in Athens this next weekend.

Say it with me...HEY YOU, WITH THE PITCHFORK!...put it down and let's say it all together...

Go Dawgs!!