Friday, December 8, 2017

Your Unofficial Heisman Saturday Evening Alternative Entertainment Guide

The damn thing has been irrelevant since 1980...minus 1982 when they awarded an already twice-slighted Herschel Walker the hardware he'd actually earned three times...but I digress...

I'd like to provide alternatives for your first Saturday evening without football in some time. A word of caution however - depending on your own neighborly environs, some of these could get you a visit from Officer Friendly who also might just be a recently disgruntled Auburn fan. So proceed with caution.

Regardless, you should find something to do rather than listen to Kirk Herbstreit gush over Baker Mayfield. Although the ratings will probably sky rocket if they end up grabbing each others' crotch. At any rate, here are my suggestions:

  1. Eat a big bowl of Captain Crunchberries at 8:00 pm.
  2. Call your mom and tell her you just ate a big bowl of Captain Crunchberries at 8:00 pm.
  3. Find a nice romantic comedy to watch with your significant other.
  4. If you can't find your significant other, watch a nice Holiday film like Die Hard for the 173rd time. YIPPEE KI YAH!!!
  5. Call your favorite Tennessee fan and ask them if Jeremy Pruitt is going to coach them in their bowl...."Aw shit. I'm sorry. Welp, how's your mama n them?"
  6. Start reading a book. Or at least open one up in your lap before you doze off so that it looks like you were doing something important.
  7. Rewatch last week's SEC Championship game and text updates to your favorite Auburn fan as the game develops.
  8. Find a new favorite Auburn fan because your last one just blocked you.
  9. Help your wife with all those Christmas Cards. Or at least refill her wine glass. Stop sitting there drooling in your kid's Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and be helpful!!
  10. Go back to September of 2008 and re-read every post I've ever written. Then translate them into Mandarin for all my homeboys over in Manchuria!
  11. Prepare a large tumbler of bourbon and go door to door singing Christmas carols. Take your dog along for the harmony of it.
  12. Create a fake Baker Mayfield's cell phone twitter account that only tweets random Roquan Smith stats and related facts.
Whatever you choose to do to pass the time tomorrow evening, make it a great weekend Dawgs!

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

The 8th Annual Bowl Pool - Another Festivus Miracle!

The brain trust at ESPN has spoken and matched all of the teams up for us. So it's time to select the winners and see who comes out on top.

PASSWORD = Festivus

It all starts December 16th with Grambling vs NC A&T in the Celebration Bowl. It ends in The Benz with the Rose and Sugar winners. Should be quite the ride. So gather round the table and let's begin with the Airing of Grievances!

Monday, December 4, 2017

Atlanta by way of Pasadena

Man, what a weekend! Two years ago today we didn’t have a coach. Yesterday we watched Kirby give an interview to Rece Davis after Georgia was seeded third in the CFB Playoffs!

What a time to be alive!

When Joe Waterloo texted me for a prediction before the SEC Championship game I went with 28-17. I knew our offensive line especially would play better than they did in the environment of Jordan Hare three weeks ago. The wild card was Kerryon Johnson. Turned out he was a shell of his former self. I’m not entirely sure he should’ve even been playing at all.

Take away their running game and Malzahn is back to being just a gimmick with no alternate game plan.

Kirby preached before and during his game interviews about “physicality” and “composure”. His team really played with his instructions in mind. We were dominated in the trenches three weeks ago, but Georgia's coaches were able to flip the script on Malzahn & Co. Saturday night. The offensive line was bulldozing jokers and the defensive front was everything we saw in other locations like Knoxville and Jacksonville earlier this season.

We knew it before Saturday, but this team is something special. Now that we've made it in I'm thoroughly looking forward to seeing how they measure up against the nation's elite.

Speaking of which, I really think the committee got it right by bringing in Alabama at #4. I didn't think they would, but it seems they saw what many of us did as well - with Ohio State you have an up and down team. Conference champion or not, on January 1st in prime time no one wants to tune in to see a re-run of Clemson obliterating the Buckeyes.

On the other hand, a rematch of last season's epic battle between the Tigers and the Tide? Yes please.

But there's a lot of time in between now and then. I'll have the 8th annual Bowl Pool up later today or tomorrow. Until then, you can keep pinching yourself until the cows come home. But this is real y'all! Go Dawgs!


Friday, December 1, 2017

the Friday Misery is not feeling entitled

They blew up the place where your five yards short was born. So I don’t know why everyone keeps talking about it. Are you the kind of husband that gives his wife the same gift every five years? Are you wearing the same shirt today that you wore back then? Did you save the last three cups of milk from December 1st, 2012 to tailgate with tomorrow outside the Benz?

Put your History books down. The bell rang and there’s a new sheriff in town.

The Official SECCG entrance exam
Step off Trebeck! This is my show. Contestants, please remember to phrase your answers in the form of a correct answer.
  1. Which number is greater, Matt Lauer’s creep factor or the number of Auburn mascots?
  2. Which has a bigger mouth, Mr. Ed or Cam Newton?
  3. Celebrity quotation: who said it? … “We beat the dog crap outta them didn’t we?” ...Gus Malzahn or Mike Vick??
  4. Per capita, which city’s teenage boy population takes more cows to their high school prom, Pakistan or Opelika?
  5. Greatest running back of all time….Herschel Walker...or the Goal Line Stalker? (I’m sorry, Bo who?)
  6. What one item do Auburn area Costco’s and local supermarkets stock more frequently than all other items combined?
  7. Is it Plainsmen or Planes’ men?
  8. Eric Ramsey is to cassette tapes as Cam Newton is to _________?
  9. Greater man, Vince Dooley or Pat Dye?
  10. Please spell your name here —-> _____________.

Answers: 1. Ironically, Lauer by a long shot. Congrats National Broadcasting Company Creepshow. 2. Cam. But, have you ever seen the two of them in the same room? At the same time? Hmmmm…. 3. Both answers are correct! But Vick has paid for his crime. Gus, you’re next dipshit! 4. Opelika up until 2010 when there was a sudden surge in goat dates and Pakistan took the lead. 5. Yes, even the Official SECCG entrance exam has a freebie. 6. Toilet paper. What else? 7. Who gives a shit? 8. Church Steeples. Also, bagman is an acceptable answer as well. We’d also accept sleaze bag, laptop thief, panderer of attention (aka attention whore), outfit pimp, Pimp of Cheese, misogynistic asshole, whiny ass loser, eternal three year old, and of course Fairley’s shower partner. 9. Son, it ain’t how you start it’s how you finish! Patty shouldn’t even be mentioned in the same sentence as St. Vincent. 10. If yu jist rote a “X” than u cuddint git ntwo UGA. Wur dam eegle!

Comparing apples to some other apples
Of course I considered going back to re-read my post prior to the 2012 SEC Championship Game. It’s still one of my favorite Friday Miserys of all time. Honestly. So it would make sense to at least give it a cursory glance.

But as I reflected back on how I felt back then to be in that position, as well as what I thought I could remember about my words that came forth from my keyboard before that epic GA Dome battle, I realized the vast differences between then and now.

Back then I remember feeling like it was our turn, it was our time. I’d be willing to bet there is an air of “Hey, we’re due!” in that post. I was eager to see our team stand up to the nation’s darling, the straw that stirs the college football postseason drink, the mighty Saban’s minions vs our talented squad of hard working Dawgs.

Yes, I felt it was our time. In other words, I felt that 2012 team was entitled to the national title game as a reward for a hard fought season. I felt those players, and by proxy us as fans, were even destined for it.

I don’t feel entitled to anything today. Sure, that 2012 team came so very close to earning it all. Nothing was going to be handed to them on that field, on that day. We knew that going in. Alabama gave us their best effort, as expected, and the Dawgs nearly stood taller in the end. Nearly.

But despite that near euphoric moment five years ago, I don’t feel entitled to anything today. I certainly don’t think that’s Kirby’s message. In fact, I know so.

"Hey guys, I read the quarterback's eyes, broke on the route,
and this is what I earned!"
We can argue at a later date as to whether the 2017 SEC East champions are better than the 2012 SEC East champions. It’s a little too early to gauge that honestly right now, other than to say that the 2012 team had a more competitive geographic environment to do work in. But at this point in the season, I do feel it’s safe to say that this team has worked harder than any other Georgia team in recent memory.

Some of you may bristle at that last sentence, but bear with me. You have to remember that those 2012 seniors were a foundation that had grown into men together under one regime. They were a group that had been to the SEC Championship game together the year before.

This 2017 team that will vie for the SEC crown against Auburn tomorrow is in their second year under a new head coach. Some of them have had more than three different position coaches since they left high school. They finished last season with five losses.

They lost to Vandy at home. They needed a late field goal to beat Kentucky. They lost to Tech.

Georgia Tech.

And they responded in the off season by lifting more weights, by running more reps, by pushing each other even further, and by buying into what the coaches were selling even more. Then they laid absolute waste to the SEC East this year. From the end of the Georgia Tech game in Athens last year to today, this team has grown leaps and bounds.

After losing to Auburn three weeks ago Kirby said that this team will be remembered by how they respond. Well, they’ve responded by beating two lesser teams soundly. That’s resiliency.

That’s the kind of resiliency that sees its quarterback go down in the early moments of the season and says, “This is just the next obstacle.” That’s the kind of resiliency that finds a way to force a turnover late on the road against the storied Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

It’s focus in the eye of the storm. It’s taking a punch and steadying yourself instead of falling. It’s not just Georgia. It’s the new breed. It’s not preparing yourself for the professional Sundays. It’s facing the here and now with a low growl and leverage against the man in front of you.

You want more? You need more?

Well, the pressure is on Auburn. They set a bar I don’t think they can continue to clear. Their coach used his mouth to write a check that his team can’t cash. Gimmicks are cute, but just like two-ply shitpaper dangling from trees, mall Santa candy canes, and Bobby Lowder’s checkbook, they’re a dime a dozen.

The pressure is on Auburn. Compared to three weeks ago, they’re trading in roughly 40,000 fans for a nice dinner in Buckhead and what they hope will be a front row spot on Finebaum’s show. They’ll bring their Walmart jeans and anti-Bama signs/slogans/chants, still clinging to the only bowl they truly care about.

Bless their hearts. We beat our state rival and calmly boarded the buses for home. Auburn fans will still be talking about beating Alabama last week when the cows’ calves’ calves come home in 2028.

Erk telling his captain Ros the best way to GATA!
Georgia knows their mistakes. Tucker and Pittman and Chaney have taught and coached and revamped just for this moment. Bellamy and Dom and Zo didn’t come back to lose to the same plain men twice in one season. Chubb and Sony can shoulder the reins; their thighs only get heavier as the fourth quarter wears on. Then, “Oh hey there Mr. Swift! C’mon in!

Georgia has the talent. We also have the depth. And both are rested and ready. While Bama was separating shoulders Saturday evening, Swift and Herrien and Clark and Muckle were iced and ready for Monday’s practice. Fromm, perhaps the only player to show his true composure in the fourth quarter three weeks ago, has been patiently waiting for a moment to shine on this kind of stage.

Tomorrow is time. It’s not time to go through warm-ups and stand there ready to be handed a trophy. Tomorrow is time to earn every yard, fight for every first down, challenge every ball carrier. Tomorrow is only our time if we make it our time. Kirby’s crew ain’t coming to claim what we believe is rightfully ours. He’s coming to put his players on a field for the opportunity to prove they’re worthy, prove they’re ready.

It’s “your time” if you wait in line during recess for a swing on the playground. It’s “your turn” if you have successfully traversed the queue before finally getting to ride Space Mountain at Disney World. You’re entitled to take a seat and say “WEEEE!!!!”

I don’t want a swing and Space Mountain is just turns in the dark at a high rate of speed, like an Indy 500 during a solar eclipse. I’m ready to see to the finish what these Dawgs started Labor Day weekend. Are you ready? Are you going to just stand there with your hand out, or are you going to shove it into the turf, bend your knees and get your hips set to drive through whoever, whatever is in front of you?

It's SEC Championship weekend baby! And these Dawgs weren't bred to be hunted. Now bow your heads...dear Lord, please don't let these tigersmenplaineagles hoard our Charmin over the weekend. And may our Savages run as rampant as our running backs run free. In the name of Uga V and Auburn's own four sport letterman, the late, great Erk Russell! Amen!

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Sunday Thoughts on Roquan pulling ol’ Turkey Neck’s pants down

Seriously, last night #3 knew what Coach Johnson was going to have for dinner before the Johnson’s party was even seated.

If you like that, here’s a few more:

- I was both elated and afraid to see Trenton Thompson come back in. Seeing him writhe in pain really took the wind out of my sails early on. Glad he’s okay.
- I’m also conflicted on seeing #1 and #27 on the sidelines so much of the fourth quarter. Gonna miss seeing those guys run for the G. But glad we can keep them fresh. We’ll need that on Saturday at the Benz.
- Hard to say who was worse, the refs (although they closed the game strong) or the ABC play by play guy (name = ???). There were times I had no idea what he was referring to, except that it seemed to not be in the Dawgs’ favor. I mean, he actually made McIlroy sound times. (But not Luginbill.)
- That field goal at the end of the half was huge. In the end it wasn’t even needed, but I thought the fact that the coaches were game for using the timeouts instead of taking a knee really shifted the momentum in our favor.
- And once again the adjustments on both sides going into the second half were key. Tucker had the answers and Chaney’s crew took it from there. I haven’t even stopped praying for that Tech defender’s ankles that Sony broke!
- Hello Akhil Crumpton! Can we haz mor plz!
- If you take a step or two back, it’s interesting what’s happening along Techwood drive, other than the local drug deals. I mean, Paul Johnson just keeps doing just enough. So many of their fans are tired of it, but he seems to get a pass. How long can it last?

For me, I hope he retires there in around 15-20 years. For now, we’re 11-1 heading back to Atlanta! What a season! Who woulda thought that!

(Lastly, Coach Paul Johnson was at the nearest Subway because he can’t get enough $5 foot longs.)

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Clean Old Fashioned Hate - turnovers

I mentioned yesterday the importance of winning time of possession. The fact is that last year we won time of possession against Tech, although the second half was a near 50/50 split.

However, we didn’t protect the football, which is part of the reason why our defense was playing that last Tech drive with their hands on their hips in between plays. Our first three second half possessions went field goal, touchdown, field goal. But the last three went punt, interception, interception. (VIA)

The difference this season is that this team knows how to close a game. The coaches know how to make the adjustments and communicate them effectively to the players.

Plus, Georgia is a decently good +2 on the season in turnover margin, while Tech is -4. (VIA)

A lot of people are poking Tech fans over that loss last weekend to Duke. And yes, it was ugly. But it tells me Johnson will have these enginerds ready to play. There’s no game that means more to him than the last of the season.

But the reality is that we are way too talented to lose to Tech. Protect the football and keep the defense rested and it should be a fun one for us to watch.

Don’t do those things, and we should just prepare to gnash the teeth deep into the fourth quarter.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Clean Old Fashioned Hate - Mambo Gook

Coach Fish-Fry is in his 10th season at Tech. So by now we know the recipe for continuing our domination in this series. But a reminder is always helpful.

1. Stop the dive. Unless our defense can stop this basic first option run, it will make for a long afternoon at the Joke by the Coke.
2. Protect the football. Our offense has to keep theirs off the field as much as possible. A close game with a tired defense in the fourth quarter is not a good way to spend the Saturday after Thanksgiving.
3. Mind your gap. Play disciplined defense. Miss an assignment and a three yard gain turns into at best a first down, at worst a touchdown.

In other words, Mambo Gook. Because ol’ Erik always knew how to wreck Tech!

“If you think you’re coming my way, that’s the wrong way brother. Because you ain’t gonna make nothing here.”

Friday, November 17, 2017

the Friday Misery converses with the internet idiocy

It's short, but it's sweet. So grab the remote and let's dive right in! Because on this episode of “Conversations After a Loss”....

The Internets
  1. “...and we all knew this would happen. We all knew Georgia would implode like this and what we thought was a magical season is actually just another flop and we’ll back our way into that Independence Bowl again because we can’t have nice things and oh have you seen this video of a chimpanzee cooking pop tarts in the microwave with the foil wrapper omg it makes me laugh so hard…”
  2. “9-4 season. Not much better than last year to be honest.”
  3. “So we need to beat Auburn or Bama, and then hope that…”
  4. “I hope we do implode. Kirby needs to go back to the coordinator level. Hopefully we can get <INSERT NAME OF HOT MESSAGE BORED NFL COACH> before it’s too late!
  5. “Lost a recruit. Whoa boy, here we go again.”

  1. “Dude, we lost one game. Got our asses beat for sure. But all of our goals are still ahead of us.”
  2. “No, are you high? We’re 9-1. Put down your crack pipe for one minute and sort through some facts okay?”
  3. “Nope nope nope nope! Stop right there. What we need to do is beat Kentucky. That’s step one partner. Step two, beat Tech. Then we worry about Bama or Auburn. Get back on the winning run and the rest will take of itself.”
  4. “Shut. Up.”
  5. “If you believe for one second that we’re on a recruiting downtick, well, it might be time to go back on your meds.”
"I believeeeee I can fly!!" (via ABC Sports)

1+7+17+24+27 = 2017
Senior Day, the home closer if you will, is always a time for reflection. And when I think about all of these seniors, I’ll call back to that day that those mentioned in the subheading stood in front of the media and explained why they were staying in Athens for their senior season. Regardless of the final W-L record, regardless of whether we win the SECCG and make it into the CFB Playoffs, this season has been made possible by their leadership.

When you think about it, it’s really because of them that we haven’t had one home nooner this season. What a blessing!

And to be honest, how the team responds after last weekend’s loss will start with the senior leadership as well. I think they’re going to finish strong. I think Kentucky’s not going to know what hit them. I think Christian Payne gets sent in to throw a block and next thing you know there’s #JazzHands all up in our endzone one last time. Then there’s Wynn raising Chubb to the Heavens next to the Hedges one last time. And God I hope there’s a blindside sack by Bellamy and that beautiful oblong spheroid pops free then Zo scoops and scores that damn thing!

Lord have mercy! How ‘bout them Dawgs y’all! So please let us bow our heads...dear Lord, can we please see a Parrish or Sanders or Davis pick one more time? Maybe also followed by one last glimpse in Sanford of Wims soaring to some ungodly height to catch that ball before returning to the earth with six points? Thank you, and please bless all these Dawgs in their future endeavors. Once a Dawg, always a Dawg. How sweet it is! Amen!

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Will the biggest factor for Saturday’s game even be on the field?

The largest crowd Kentucky has played against was in Columbia when South Carolina beat lost to them 23-13 in front of 82,000. For the rest of their games they’ve played in front of an average of less than 50 thousand people.

In fact, here’s a look at the crowds they’ve faced on the road other than that loss to the Gamecocks:

- at Southern Miss, 22,761
- at Mississippi St., 58,963
- at Vanderbilt, 27, 346

The Sanford crowd was notably subpar against the Gamecocks. In the seniors’ last game between the hedges, I hope we manage to lift their spirits while crushing Kentucky’s will. If so, it could be quite a special day in Athens.

Are the fans ready to get behind the team? I think so. I’ve heard a lot of complaints about the backlash following the Auburn beat down, naturally. Many are especially upset that some took Miami’s win just as hard as our loss.

I get it, but I really think there’s a very small minority out there that can’t see that both Coach Richt and the Georgia program are better off after the split. I think most can see the results Kirby is bringing in in terms of recruiting energy and game preparation. I also think he has the leadership in him to help the team see that loss Saturday and turn it into something to build upon late.

Now, if the game were today there might still be a hangover from the plains, both with the players recovery and especially in the fans’ spirits. But I think by Saturday everyone will be ready to put that game against Auburn behind them. Nothing heals the wounds from a loss like that like getting out there and drawing first blood.

So bring the noise! And go Dawgs!

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Sunday Thoughts on getting past these awful hurt feelings

Damn. Does your backside hurt as much as mine this morning?

Everything is still in front of us. Go to Atlanta and win the damn thing, all of the other stuff falls in place. So there’s that. I mean, it was kinda cool having that “#1” tag beside our name for a while and having everybody talk about us like we could do things like stop the run and block and tackle ball carriers, not to mention make half time adjustments and also remember to get the team off the actual bus with their heads on straight.

But it was also awkward if you want to know the truth,

Kirby is right, this team will be defined by how it responds to this setback. Big game left at Sanford, especially for the seniors that came back for this season. Then an in-state rivalry game that we pissed away last year. Focus on those two one at a time and let each rep, each whistle in practice motivate you.

Because yesterday was quite obviously a team loss. It wasn’t just the players and it wasn’t just the coaches. We all got beat, very handily. Regroup and refocus without the attention that comes with being the number one team in the nation.

The fact of the matter is that currently we aren’t the team we thought we were. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be yet.

I’d love to play Auburn again. I’d also love the chance to play Alabama. But right not we all just need to focus on Kentucky and beating the snot out them like we should. We need to focus on not drawing selfish penalties. We need to focus on a better game plan. And quite honestly, we need to focus on being a better home crowd than we were when the Gamecocks visited a couple weeks ago.

Because whether you like it or not...whether you are still stewing over yesterday’s debacle...we’re still in this together.

Go Dawgs!

(Now if you’ll excuse me I’d like to go back to bed...)

Friday, November 10, 2017

Friday Misery - an abridged history lesson on the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry

A litmus test for whether you, as a Georgia fan, should be worried about Auburn: 1) has their quarterback ever stolen a laptop? No, then 2) has he ever taken teammates cash and valuables from the team lockerroom? No.

Okay. So if Auburn somehow wins tomorrow, we’ll know this Stidham kid is hiding some shit in his dorm room closet.

It was close to a brotherhood really. I mean, there was no love lost between us. But it’s not like we met in Jacksonville each year to shout our disdain about each others’ mothers and general hygiene habits. We even shared fellow alumni/former players as coaches. Our campuses are one lazy drive away. We didn’t even complain all that much when they used our fight song, and we tolerated their cute yet inferior hedges with a modicum of respect.

And their schizophrenic loyalty to three different mascots at the same time was amusing if not downright...well, yeh it was kinda sad and pathetic even then.

But, there were times they’d beat the Gators and the Volunteers just to show they had our back. We did the same against Bama and LSU more than our fair share.

In 1996 we shared one of the greatest college football games that will ever be. An epic four overtime battle that turned boys into men right before our very eyes. God bless you Corey Allen. And may Robert Baker get a fair shot at his next parole hearing.

It was an experience that helped Georgia fans put the Game Between the Hoses from 1986 behind us on some level. It deepened our bond as fellow SEC compatriots. We drew closer, but always respecting the fact that we would always be on separate sides at least one day out of 365.

Then again. They lost. We won. So maybe that's just how I remember it.

...and now.
Fairley buried the crown of his helmet so deep into the back of our quarterback that we all felt the pain surge through our spines. Then he did it again.

Then yet again.

No flags*. Of course not. The health and safety of an opposing quarterback shouldn't stand in the way of a plainsman title run pahtnah! And as if the salaciousness of buying players to grab that national championship wasn’t enough, they then resorted to taking Butts-Mehre outcasts and degenerates as their own, shoved them in our face, and essentially told us to get the hell out of town.

Auburn is like that best friend you had all the way through grade school. Until freshman year of high school, when he fell ass first into a Homecoming date with a junior cheerleader because his older sister owed him a favor because of that time Dad took Mom to that three day conference in Columbus and sister threw that party where Johnny Snodgrass got drunk on Bartles and Jaymes and threw up on GramGram’s handmade bedspread and the younger brother didn’t tell a legally responsible soul. After Homecoming he of course developed into a snot-nosed piece of shit that everybody else turned their back on because he somehow always thought he was the Big Man on Campus even though he didn't own a single pair of Nikes, wore a knock-off Members Only jacket from KMart, and ate by himself next to the teachers’ table sophomore, junior, and all of senior year until he walked across the stage of the gym through the jeers and sneers of two hundred and eighty-six other pissed off 18 year olds in cap and gowns (60% of which were also drunk on Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers).

I still hate that guy. Hell, he’s probably at some insurance seminar right now talking some sap’s ear off at the Holiday Inn Express breakfast bar about that one time he had a Homecoming date with Sissy “Two Bits” Kowalchuk and stayed out past 10pm. Asshole.

They drew the line, we’re just here to remind them of how often they have failed to cross it. Because that coach that bought them that natty, yeh, he’s now wearing a rented suit on the SEC Network jabbering like a mental patient that’s on the second of three frontal lobotomies. And their new coach, yeh, Malzahn is the equivalent of the high school kid that stole all the answers to the physics test but then fails the final every year because he can't even spell the word "formula".

Malzahn's glasses are just for show because he thinks it makes him look smart. If you take away his reclaimed 5star former safety he’s just a pink slip away from a job on an Opelika used car lot drinking day old coffee because Starbucks won’t validate his latte anymore.

Okay, let’s break this down for real...they’re central time zone. They’re an hour behind and three chromosomes short of a gene pool. We squeeze the Charmin just like the old commercial asks us to, but they rub it on their genitals and hurl it into trees to celebrate a victory, or just another successful evasion of an NCAA inquiry. We #keepchopping, they #keepdodging FBI investigations. We watch Netflix and chill, they go cow tipping and get ill.

They're plainsmen which is evidently the lovechild of a tiger that beds down with an eagle. We just wanna get after that ass! Go Dawgs and also screw it I’ll pronounce Jordan Hair any damn well I please and thank you very much! Now, bow your heads...Lord, please give Chubb 13 yards and any number of one hundreds he chooses. Also, please protect our traveling fans from their deviant time zone confusery. In the name of Wayne Johnson, Mike Bobo, and UGA V, Amen!!

*CORRECTION: the Senator provides video evidence of a flag after the third late hit. I would apologize, but I'm not yet ready. Go Dawgs!

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

But is Kirby a chess master?

Bear with me here...

We've seen the program take a giant step forward. The 9-0 record speaks for itself. But there's also the following to consider: an enormous uptick in recruiting, the starting quarterback gets injured and we respond by going on the road and beat the Fighting Irish, the fact that a starting linebacker can get popped for pot hours before a road trip and it's buried at the bottom of a sports page under the NHL standings, divisional rival programs are chomping at the bit to fire their coach just to keep up with a second year head coach from Bainbridge GA.

But what's most intriguing to me here leading up to the Auburn game is that Kirby and his staff are out-coaching those across the field. Tucker's halftime adjustments are second only to his pre-game game plan. Jim Chaney has gone from an inept doof with a whistle in between buffets to a bonefied game caller that dares defenses to stop the same play he just ran just so he can show you what his freshman quarterback can do with his arm.

I understand the nervousness for this next game. Auburn is better than they were last year when they seriously considered punting on second downs in Athens because their offense was so offensively incompetent. Stidham is a vast improvement over their disaster at the quarterback position in 2016.

But it's still Malzahn. He's dangerous only when he has the tools that he took from Richt's tool belt. As much as an improvement as Stidham is I still like our defense which has proven they can cover the entire field in big games, then they throttle down and pin their ears back.

Which is why I ask the question: Kirby has shown he can play the entire coaching game, from Mama's supper table to developing entire game plans designed to suck the life out of hostile stadiums. But is he two, three, or even four moves ahead of his opposition?

In other words, we were so vanilla on defense Saturday against the Gamecocks. Was that on purpose? We didn't need to blitz in Jacksonville, but Bentley could've used some pressure in his face. He has the arm to hurt you. Was Kirby just thinking, "No, we can handle these guys with the basics. Let's save those sexy looks for when we might need it, whether that's the fourth quarter today or next week on the plains."

It's only Wednesday, but I'm thinking we match up really well against this Auburn team. I think we can generate as much if not more of a pass rush that Clemson did the second week of the season. Despite only managing two field goals in last season's game, Chaney's offense still had Eason throw for over 200, and Chubb had over 100 yards as well.

Kirby knows Auburn. Tucker knows Malzahn. And if nothing else, they are still Auburn. And we're Georgia.

Friday, November 3, 2017

the Friday Misery has filed a SAVAGE claim

Last Saturday was not just a win, it was one of those wins that can define a program. We not only got our eighth win of the season, but we set an arch enemy back so far they decided to fire their coach and start over. That's something Tennessee and probably Missouri will do as well after their beat downs at the hands of the our Dawgs.

So look out Muschamp and Malzahn and Stoops, y'all're up!

So with such a colossal win, why haven't I posted any thoughts about it? Why haven't I weighed in this week on the possibility that the Dawgs could clinch the East in Sanford with a win over the Gamecocks paired with a Kentucky loss to Ole Miss?

Well, Derrick, Eddie, Colby and I found a strange way to celebrate the epic win in Jacksonville.

It's hard to type wearing a sling. But the good news is that everyone involved is okay (even the douchschnozzle florida fan that caused the whole mess and got away) and the wife is getting a brand new Porsche. Well, no. Probably not actually. Definitely.

Anyway, I wasn't going to leave y'all high and dry on a day like today. The chickens are coming to town and Kirby has shelved the Revenge Tour until after Thanksgiving. Since the doctor has set a word limit on all my blogging until Monday at the earliest, I hope you don't mind some simple pictures and then maybe a brief commentary/rant. If it doesn't get you quite fired up enough, light a Red candle, say the name "Erk Russell" seven times, then bash your forehead against a frozen chicken until you get a decent enough stream of blood.

Then by all means, shove a beer can up that bird's ass and throw it on the smoker!

"Coach Muschamp, after looking at some film, their third string running back

is just as fast and physical as Sony or Chubb..."
Image result for dumb and dumber gifs

So some dude named Chris Clammons thought florida's defensive strategy of talking smack about Georgia's passing game worked so well that he'd kick it up a notch. "They can't pass." 

Let's take a look at some future footage of him trying to tackle Swift shall we...

Image result for tackle fail gifs

Yeh, that worked about as well as it did for the gators.

And lastly, "Coach Spurrier, remind me again how much you enjoyed your last trip to Sanford?"

Image result for sad Gamecock fan gif

Speaking of the ol' ball coach, what're the odds he had his résumé on the florida AD's desk by the time the sun set Sunday night?

Who are Gamecocks? What do they do?
You know, except lose. Why are they even here? Why do we need South Carolina? In the 69 previous meetings between the Dawgs and the gamechickens, they’ve managed 18 wins.

Eight. Teen.

You want to know how shitty their football tackling program is? Ray Goff went 3-2 against South Carolina. From those three wins he now deep fries their white meat and sells it to people that’re starving for more triglycerides.

Have you ever been to a game in their off campus stadium that’s in the middle of a fair ground parking lot that smells like toe fungus and three day old half-cooked meat that’s just been left to sit out in the sun? No? Well, don’t. We lost by a field goal in 2014, one of the best games I’ve seen in the series to be honest. Close game, the kind of game where neither team deserved to lose. And yet I learned more lurid things that I didn’t know about my momma walking to my car than three years of therapy has yet to wipe clean.

You see, they’re not just wannabe rednecks, the ones that pretend they know how to hunt so they can justify the over-extended Bass Pro Shops Visa card and awkward camouflage assemble. And they’re not just average dipshits that like to spend Fall Saturdays pretending they went to school past the third grade before they dropped out and took a paper route to help feed daddy’s Busch Light and Marlboro addictions. No, they’re the third generation by-product of all that and a bag of bath salts.

Which happens to be why when you come across a Gamecock fan, you have a 78% chance of having an exchange similar to this:

“Hey buddy, did you walk to school or carry your lunch?”
“I...uh….uh, well, ya see, some days I remember...well...uh, hey! Uh, Hey! Did I say welcome to Zax Bee’s yet?”
“Okay, don't pull a muscle. I’ll just have your yearly desperation plate with an extra slice of toast. And a sweet tea.”

Dawgs - whatever number Kirby wants
Muschamp’s dark meat - 3

Now, please bow your heads...Dear Lord, I thank you for airbags and J.R. Reed. We pray for a total loss on my claim and an even totaler loss for them chickens tomorrow. Sic em on a chicken #Savages, all in the name of Pollack’s double inverse backwards interfumblerception, Amen!

Friday, October 27, 2017

the Friday Misery wants a Standing O!!

"Just consider it an ice cold purse Babe. You're
doing great. Go Gators!"
While they mix their vodka and Monster energy drinks, we’ll be pouring some bourbon comfortably over ice. They’ll chase their Four Lokos with Pepsi...or vice versa, I have no idea and does it really matter anyway? They’ll make their girlfriends carry their beer. They’ll be in orange clapping as if their entire arms are encased in cement. We’ll be in red and black, ready for a handshake and a pat on the back. In the immortal words of the Greatest Bulldog ever, Coach Magill, “They are the Florida Philistines.” They are a perfect unnatural blend of rudeness, crassness, and base immorality. They will tailgate at crosswalks, Burger King bags in each hand. Meanwhile, we’ll raise a tent, sit a spell, and commence to sharing stories, such as what our barber said during the off week haircut about Jake Fromm, or what our neighbor heard from a friend of a cousin’s tennis partner that is in the Mary Beth Smart carpool rotation. They’ll dump ice into the cardboard Miller Lite case because a styrofoam cooler is a whole $4.99 at the gas n’ sip where they bought their Skoal bandits and pork rinds. Nearby, your lovely wife will adorn her newest bloody mary with a Phickles Pickles pickled okie.

Despite the overt disparities, everything will seem normal. Relaxed even. As Grizzard quoted a local after the 1980 win, “It’s the annual celebration of the repeal of Prohibition!” Yes, it’ll be good to be back in Jacksonville, our annual Fall, midseason retreat.

Then suddenly, it happens...

Under an overpass, average florida fan in awkwardly short jorts and a Tebow jersey with the sleeves cut off strolls up to a young Georgia fan waiting with his dad to cross the street - “Welcome to florida bitches! Hope you like the taste of our ass later this afternoon! Go gators!!

The young boy turns to look up at Average Gator Fan Man and responds, “Thank you sir, my dad and I are both sorry that you have to live here in this awful swamp of humidity and bad life choices you call a state. And we hope that one day you’ll manage to save up the $56 so you can finally finish that GED course. Enjoy the game!

The dad smiles at the jorted one as they cross the street. Meanwhile the florida fan stands stupefied momentarily, then turns to his sister and asks, “What the hell’s a GED?

Hate is not a strong enough sentiment.
The word itself has too few letters to sufficiently explain the eternal fire that burns inside of us, fueled by years of having to share a stadium with those knuckle dragging, mouth breathing, dim-witted cretins. They are pathological losers, especially when their team wins the game. They are sociological anomalies. Centuries from now anthropologists will be dumbfounded by the gator fan’s lack of class, unwillingness to learn simple tasks (such as grooming or eating with utensils), inability to adapt, ineffectiveness at contributing anything positive to its community, and their otherwise pervasive ability to offend those around them.

A gator fan is what you get when you introduce a WalMart clothing clearance rack with a meth-addled brain. It is sexless. It is devoid of any redeeming value. It is lacking any single quality that would make an ordinary person want to interact with it. It is insolence personified. It is a magnet for immoral behavior thought patterns. The gator fan isn’t the person your mother warned you about because your mother is too nice of a person to even think that such a vile, degenerate douchebag like the gator fan could possibly exist.
I would complain about this gator fan's behavior in front of the young
boy perched on dad's shoulders, but obviously the dad has no qualms.

Cases in point
Exhibit A: Normal person takes their toddler for a photo session after dressing the boy in his Sunday best. Gator fan doesn’t bother to wipe the oreo crumbs from the kid’s mouth, but makes sure the miniature Tebow jersey is straight and the kid’s middle fingers are raised before the photographer snaps the pic.

Exhibit B: Normal person eventually develops past the third grade mentality of teasing everyone about everything. Gator fan sees an elderly lady drop a cantaloupe in the produce section and commences to shouting irreverent and disgusting names at her then grabbing his genitals aggressively and chanting “Go Gator!”

Exhibit C: Normal person needs money for a new laptop so he saves up until he has enough. Gator felon swipes bank cards like they’re apples on a tree and heads to the student union for a spending spree. (Hey Corrinne Brown, that rhymed! Go Gatuh!)

We owe it to our children to prevent the spread of this classless race of sub-humans. Be a good parent, a good neighbor, a good citizen that wants to see advancement and happiness in the community. Don’t let children become gator fans. Again, especially your daughters.

Kirby’s STAND in Jax
Kirby, dude, I’ve bought in. I hear you coach and see you coach and I believe. I’m following your orders. I’m not into national narratives and I don’t give a shit about college football playoff scenarios.

The CFBOMG!! Playoffs are in January. Today is the 27th of October. Tomorrow we have Georgia-Florida, the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party by God! That’s the only thing on my mind. I don’t care how Notre Dame is doing because I haven’t thought about them since I woke up on September 10th.

You wanted it louder in Sanford and I gave my voice. You wanted a work week and I haven’t pressed snooze once. The focus is one day, one rep, one play, one drill at a time. You want to accomplish a goal it must be earned through preparation and dedication.

The next step towards that end is to beat the Florida Gators. The fog that envelops this game for Georgia is heavy. There’s always something - dropped passes, weird cold fronts, missed tackles, bad bounces. For the better part of the last three decades in Jacksonville, success has been few and far between. Netflix could devote an entire season of Stranger Things to Georgia’s experiences in Jacksonville Florida.

It needs to end Kirby. It needs to end tomorrow.

The sporadic victories that we had in the Donnan and Richt eras weren’t big enough to change the tide of the series. 1997 was sweet, sweet revenge for years of taking Spurrier’s jabs. But 1998 just reminded us that our cocktail is rarely shaken nor stirred. 2005 should’ve been Urban’s first taste of defeat in the series, but propped up by crutches, Shockley could only watch his team lose a heartbreaker. As incredible as 2007 was, 2008 was a complete kick in the crotch, followed by an endless chorus of “F--- YOU GEORGIA!!” as we rode the escalators down...down...down.

Famed fraternity mediator Ron Zook left Florida with a 2-1 record in the WLOCP. Famed shark humper Jim McIlwain is 2-0 thus far. A 10 point underdog in 2014, famed sideline Hulk impressionist William Muschamp started a freshman at quarterback and the gators racked up 428 yards on the ground in route to a 38-20 upset.
DickSamIV...crusher of gator will to compete

Kirby, I say all that to illustrate how tired we are of playing second fiddle down there. What is your stamp on this series going to be? Are we one day away from putting an epic beat down on these swamp lizards, or just another chance at coming up with more excuses as to why we can’t win this game more often.

Your team has plowed through the likes of Tennessee, Vanderbilt, and Missouri. Hell, you probably put the nail in the coffins that are the Jones and Odom tenures experiements at their respective schools. McIlwain needs to spend the fourth quarter scratching his head. We need to walk into Everbank tomorrow with the better prepared team, the one that is more focused and determined. They spent the week talking the talk. We need to walk out of there having walked the walk.

We need this win tomorrow. Not just for you. Not just for me. Not just for this season or the next. We need it for mankind. And when you ask those guys in the post-game locker room to stand up if they’ve beaten florida, we want a STANDING OVATION!

Now, please bow your heads...dear Lord Baby Jesus, please clear all lane closures on I-95 so we can zip down there and zip right back out after Wynn raises Chubb in the air after his 7th touchdown. And please don’t let those lizards slip no roofies in our cocktail. In the name of Nat Hudson, Lindsey Scott, Robert Edwards, and of course Lewis Grizzard and his ol’ pal Dorsey Hill, Amen!

Go Dawgs!