Friday, October 6, 2017

the Friday Misery is now playing Comeuppance, the Sequel

First things first, here’s a conversation I had with Mr. Larry Munson earlier in the week. I think it should set the tone nicely for today.

Forget it Donny...
We’re fans for a team that is 5-0. We’ve seen some days like that. But being fans of a team that has achieved 5-0 in the fashion that these Dawgs have...well, I have doubts that any of us can remember how to act. Hell, many of us weren’t even singing Glory, Glory back then.

To quote the great Walter Sobchak, “YOU’RE OUTTA YOUR ELEMENT!!”

Goff never sat in these kind of players’ living rooms their senior year of high school. Donnan’s era was largely a bend but don’t break method of defending our end zone.[insert yawn emoji for the millennial readers] In Richt’s early years, Van Gorder had a defense that got us excited and even up on our feet some! But what we’ve seen through five games in 2017 is a defense that plays with the fervor and relentless pursuit of doing bodily harm to the ball carrier like none other in recent memory.

WilMart was just a clean cut dude with a half empty can of mace. On his best days. Grantham was the guy that carried an actual glock but often forgot to load it. Even Pruitt, he was at best a novice ninja with a counterfeit conceal carry permit.

But this defense’s like a menstruating, bazooka totin’, wild eyed bitch with a third degree black belt, strutting through the streets and leaving a trail of dead bodies strewn amidst empty bottles of whiskey and cans of Red Bull.

Slowly the book on Tucker’s crew is becoming a consistent read - steer clear and avoid eye contact. Forfeit the game at halftime if you must, just please don’t put those fresh outta high school reserve offensive linemen in during the fourth quarter. Because they will die. And I’m not calling their mama afterwards to explain your ineptitude and overly glib approach to your job.

But in the stands, and across the television waves where it’s just you and I, we’re not ready for this. We don’t know how to act. Like that dream when you’re suddenly on stage at your old high school and are supposed to be wearing a wig and reciting a Shakespearean soliloquy. We’re unprepared. We’re running a 5k for the first time since birth and after a six taco lunch and by the way we didn’t even stretch. We’re making mistakes. I left the Missouri game out of a sentence in a post where it belonged a couple weeks back. Hell, just in the last week I typed the wrong year in reference to The Hobnail Boot.

AND NOBODY CALLED ME ON IT!! Not even my wife...although she’s so sly she probably just left me hanging until I come back around and say, “Wow, can’t believe I said P-44 Haynes was in 2002 and not 2001. What’s wrong with me?”

“Glad you finally caught that Hon. Now, about that ketchup stain on those shorts…”

Vandy is gonna Vandy y’all
That is to say you never know what you’re going to get outta the ‘Dores - the team that lies down by the end of the 1st quarter, or the one that scraps its way into the thick of things and makes you doubt your own manhood.

When Mel Tucker's defense was a baby and was first told
it would grow up to tackle ball carriers.
Leading off this post with that Munson-esque conversation is an acknowledgement of our past. We tend to lose to Vanderbilt at our own Homecoming every so often (and that can lead to some poor life choices btw), and we tend to have some struggles in doing football type things in Nashville more often than not.

Altogether, it has the aftertaste of playing down to a lesser opponent.

I don’t want to see that tomorrow. I don’t need to see that tomorrow. I don’t think we will see that tomorrow.

This team has been built upon a foundation that is structurally sound. They tackle well. They block well. They’re fast. They know their assignments each and every down. Plus, you can tell they just love to play the game. To paraphrase Dan Rubenstein of The Solid Verbal when describing this defense, “They look like a bunch of excited seven year olds that were just told they can play outside another fifteen minutes.”

Now, it is our first noon kick (11am central). Which begs the question, “Will Kirby’s Dawgs have trouble cranking the motor tomorrow?” If so, I hope there’s another very large contingent of Road Dawgs there to help turn that ignition turn over. It’s been a long week since tasting all those Vol tears. Dawg fans are hungry for more!

Vandy beat Kansas State. Vandy seemed legit. Then conference play happened. The 'Dores slide continues tomorrow. Dawgs give Kylie Shurfur a four hour long headache, 45-0.

Now, please bow your heads...dear Lord Baby Jesus, please don’t let Ramik and Ray get flagged for playing football again. And save us from all the other weird things that happen up yonder. In the name of Terry Hoage and Pulpwood Smith, Amen!

And Go Dawgs!

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